Misbelief
by V A N i i T 3 Y x
Summary: Everyone has secrets. Naruto just has more than most people. But when one friend disappears and another gets a little too close, Naruto realizes that not everyone gets what they want. And when has Kami ever cared about him? A story about betrayal, love, and above all - fear. Warning: Self abuse, light eating disorder/other mental disorders and blood/gore.
1. One

**AN/** Hi! VANiix here, with a new story! I warn you now, the first few chapters (if my plan is correct) are going to seem a little slow. This is because I am terrible when it comes to back plot – I _always_ go overboard with it. So please, bear with this!

**Disclaimer** : _Naruto_ does not belong to me! But this story does!

**Warnings** : This story is going to contain self harm, eating disorders, _mental _disorders, some blood/gore and waaaay too much angst. I'll try to post specific warnings for each chapter, but you have been warned.

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><p><span>CHAPTER ONE<span>

"There is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock"  
>― Charles Bukowski, <em> Love is a Dog from Hell <em>

The room was silent, considering the dark, heavy clouds outside the window and the small, frail body at the table. There was no laughter or talking, nor, it seemed, even the sound of breathing. The silence was absolute – thickening the air and stealing all life from the room. The lack of sound was dark, reflecting the mood of the seventeen year old boy hunched over a small bowl of rice and feeding off the negative thoughts constantly created in the small, dingy kitchen.

Then Naruto sighed, and the spell was broken; the windows could be heard rattling weakly against the wind, the steady dripping of a leaking faucet sounding from the open door of the bathroom. The loudest sound seemed to come from the light clinking of chopsticks against a chipped bowl, and Naruto heaved another sigh before weakly pushing the dish away, letting his head instead fall to the weathered table beneath him.

He had screwed up, _again_. Team Seven had been scheduled to meet up at eight that morning for some much needed practice on teamwork. And since Naruto rarely got to see either Sasuke or Sakura outside of training, he took their practices very seriously. When else would he get the chance to spend time with the two? He knew that neither of them enjoyed being seen with him, the dead last, if they could help it. In fact, they seemed to go out of their way to avoid him at all times. Hence, he enjoyed every team practice they had scheduled – regardless that it meant Sasuke would be irritated, and Sakura would take every chance to yell at the blonde, and that Kakashi would be late (which meant less time spent with Naruto) and that when he arrived the silver haired jounin would spend the majority of the practice ignoring everyone but Sasuke. It was still time _together_.

And Naruto, stupid as he was, had gotten up at one. In the afternoon. He had _slept in_, slept through his special time with Team Seven. How could he have slept through the blaring of his alarm clock? Ignoring a small voice in his head that whispered _'it's not your fault you didn't get home until dawn, stuck bleeding and broken in the alley as you were'_ the blonde lifted his head only to smack it back onto the table, pleased by the dull ache that immediately followed. He deserved the pain, deserved much worse for skipping something so important.

The teen wondered, only for a moment, why no one had come to wake him up. He knew that neither Sasuke or Sakura knew where he lived, but what about Kakashi? Okay, so Naruto didn't expect anyone to be worried about him, or wonder if he was alright, but the team _had_ to of at least assumed he'd forgotten to wake up. So why hadn't Kakashi, with or without the other two in tow, come to get him up?

The thought was quickly banished. The blonde knew perfectly well why his team hadn't come to get him, so what was the point of pondering? It'd only bring him down more than he already was, and it was hard enough to crack a smile through the day.

Lifting his head, Naruto rubbed at his eyes, ignoring the aching muscles he always had after a rough beating (he figured it was some strange side effect to his speedy healing) before standing wearily from the rickety chair he'd been sitting on for the last hour. The thing was even worse off then his table, the finish completely worn and one of the front legs missing.

Tucking it carefully back under the dining table, the blonde reached for his breakfast, disdainfully eyeing the small amount of rice slowly drying in the bowl. It was almost untouched – just a few grains painfully eaten. Naruto knew he should eat it, had commanded himself several times to "man up and finish it", but the few tiny bites he had ingested had stuck to the back of his throat and threatened his gag reflex.

So the bowl was tossed onto the counter for later consumption. With a little hot water it'd be as good as new, which was a relief considering the blonde couldn't afford to toss even that small of a portion into the trash. As it stood he was already down to his last few cups of rice, and he wasn't scheduled for a refill for another week and a half. Just another thing to scold himself for – he hadn't been as careful with his rations as he usually was. He could almost feel the weight gained from his previous gluttony.

Face somber, Naruto turned and left the kitchen, heading to the bathroom for a much needed shower. That was one of the few things being close with the Old Man was good for; he always had running water, hot and cold, and electricity. The blonde was just worried about what was going to happen when Sarutobi passed on – a painful thought, but necessary none-the-less. Would he still get these privileges? Or would he be forgotten, left to rot in his dead, useless apartment?

As he walked, the teen stripped himself, tossing his worn, ratty black wife beater in the general direction of his bedroom (not a separate room, much to contrary belief, just an offshoot of his living room) and leaving his stained, even older pair of neutral grey sleeping pants on the floor where he'd dropped them.

Naruto undressed just in time to catch his reflection in the bathroom mirror; heavily scarred over his entire body from the neck down (apparently his numerous attackers at least partially understood discretion. Other than the marks on his cheeks, there were few scars on his face or neck), painfully thin forearms and heavily outlined ribs, along with a sunken but still noticeably bloated stomach (the blonde blamed this on the extra intake of rice this month, not his weak, failing organs) gave the teen plenty of reasons to hate looking at himself.

And so, after a moment of disgusted inspecting, Naruto turned away and hastily started the shower, swallowing thickly around the sick feeling at the back of his throat as he stepped under the spray of water.

Almost immediately the tension left his thin shoulders and the small ninja sighed in relief, his eyes slipping closed as he took a moment to simply enjoy the warmth his body always seemed to lack before he continued getting ready.

As he showered, and then consecutively dressed and readied himself, Naruto wondered where his teammates might be. He'd prefer to catch Kakashi to apologize, but he knew that unless the jounin wanted to be found, he'd stay missing. So that left Sasuke and Sakura. The blonde knew if he ran into Sakura, instead of apologizing he'd get to spend several hours being beaten and yelled at, but he also knew she'd be much easier to find. Unlike Sasuke, the pinkette spent her free time with her many friends, always doing something or other. And how hard could it be to find a group of teenagers hanging out?

The blonde was still worrying over this as he headed for his apartment door, but instead of just stepping out he stopped as he neared the exit, hands clenching into fists at his side and neck muscles tightening. He was wearing his usual outfit now, his 'costume' (there was a reason he had chosen such an obnoxious colour, after all), and that meant donning his usual character. It took him longer than normal, a fact that would have worried him if his thoughts weren't so preoccupied, but finally the bright, carefree smile was in place, his eyes squinted and therefore hidden, his steps loose and his gait wide as he stepped through the door and continued out onto the street. The only testament to his discomfort the tense muscles in his neck.

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><p>Naruto spent the better part of three hours trying to find either Sakura or Sasuke. He'd even spent awhile searching for Kakashi, useless as it was. Not only had he <em>not<em> come across any of his teammates, but he still had no idea where to look. He'd searched every training ground, the market place, the Hokage's tower. He'd even sneaked through the old Uchiha compound, guilty as that made him, to see if Sasuke was haunting his old residence. No luck.

On top of that, he'd almost been attacked – _twice_. Being attacked in and of itself was nothing new, it was that the attack attempts had happened during the _day_. Most people either ignored him or gave him dirty looks when the sun was in the sky. It wasn't until darkness fell that the population grew braver, and therefore crueler in their punishments to him.

Still, Naruto knew that regardless of the witnesses a day-time attack would surely draw, he would find no help in the walls of Kohona. For a brief second, the blond entertained the idea of one of his teammates (or maybe all three of them!) showing up during one of his many beatings and being outraged at what they saw. Getting angry for _him_, disrupting the crowd to make sure he was alright.

He shook the thought away. Even if one of them _did_ happen to stumble upon an attack (and even care. Naruto was pretty certain they'd simply turn away, unwilling to waste their time on something so trivial), the teen wouldn't want them risking themselves for him.

"Watch it, you freak," a passing citizen growled as the two collided, and Naruto grunted as he twisted to the side, quickly side-stepping the heavily muscled man as he rubbed his now sore shoulder, eyes purposefully glued to the ground. He heard the stranger snort behind him, but the blonde didn't stop, didn't let the smile fall from his lips, didn't let anyone see the surprised, nervous flinch before darting away.

His train of thought now completely ruined, the teen focused yet again on trying to find his elusive team. What could they be _doing_ on a Thursday that kept them so thoroughly well hidden Naruto couldn't even sense their chakra?

"-Ruto! Naruto!" came the call from behind him, and the blonde blinked before turning around, searching for the caller. When he noticed Iruka running towards him, Naruto's smile turned genuine, and he lifted a hand in greeting.

"Iruka-sensei!" He screamed back, diligently ignoring the hateful stares he received for speaking out as he waited for the older man to reach him.

"How are you, Naruto?" the school teacher asked between heavy breaths as he stopped beside the boy, placing a hand on the teen's shoulder to lean over as he caught his breath.

"Awesome as always, Iruka-sensei! Just looking for Sasuke-teme or Sakura-chan! What're you doing?" as he spoke, the two started walking, unconsciously heading towards Ichiraku's as they wove through the crowd.

"Oh, the usual. Some rowdy children skipped classes today, so I just finished speaking to their parents. Are you hungry? You still don't seem to be eating enough." Iruka had removed his hand from Naruto's shoulder, but he was frowning as he looked down at his previous student. The teen had felt much too thin.

"I'm always hungry! You know that!" the blonde laughed, a loud, rambunctious sound as he skipped ahead a few feet, away from his sensei's grasping fingers. "Wanna go to Ichiraku's? Your treat, yeah?" Iruka couldn't help but laugh along with Naruto, shaking his head even as he agreed.

"It's amazing how often I pay for your meals, Naruto! Don't you save your mission earnings?" Naruto ignored the condescending tone in the older man's voice, ignored how the teacher obviously considered him slightly stupid, ignored how badly he wanted to spit out how much he hated gorging himself on a meal he would otherwise consider enjoyable, and simply laughed.

"Why would I do that when I got you to pay for me?" the blonde asked as they arrived at the ramen stand and each took a seat, Iruka nodding politely at the owner and Naruto waving cheerfully as they got comfortable.

"I still have no idea how you manage to eat all that food and weigh what you do." Iruka commented, raising an eyebrow and noticeably eyeing the young male beside him. The teen had to bite his tongue as he stared blankly ahead, momentarily lost in a memory.

He had been eight, nine years old when Iruka had first offered to buy him lunch, and Naruto had been so _happy_ to spend time with someone, so happy at the prospect of the first proper meal in weeks that he had eaten several bowls, ignoring the ache in his stomach, thinking only of feasting to hold him off until his next meal. The brunette had been amazed at the amount of food eaten, but the young boy at the time had left feeling sick and had promptly emptied his stomach of his entire meal. The blonde had sworn right then that no matter how hungry, he'd never eat that much again.

Until Iruka had opened his big mouth and spread around town just how deep Naruto's stomach seemed to be. Then the boy had been stuck, unwilling to upset his sensei about what had happened (he'd been so guilty for _weeks_ over wasting Iruka's money like that). And so had been the start of his apparently never ending hunger. Now, whenever he went out, whenever he was tempted to order one bowl and be done with it, he thought of Iruka and the disappointed look he was sure to have, and the blonde would cave, forcing more food than his body could handle into himself just to keep up appearances.

"Jealous, sensei?" the teen asked as he came back to himself, grinning over at Iruka as a steaming bowl of ramen was set in front of him. It was quickly devoured. Naruto knew from past experiences that the faster he ate, the less gorging himself hurt. It was when the food started to digest that forcing himself to continue eating became almost unbearable.

Several bowls later, and a much emptier wallet in Iruka's case found the two outside the stand, waving good-bye. The blonde already felt sick, sweat dripping down his back and his throat thick with the need to relieve himself, but he forced his feet to turn and start casually ambling down the street, turning down random side alleys until he was completely lost but completely alone. Then, with a groan that sounded way too much like someone dying, Naruto fell against one of the walls, the bricks digging into his skin through his clothes as he leaned over and heaved, his entire body convulsing.

Almost immediately half-eaten food burst past his lips to stain the concrete below him, and the taste was just as salty coming up as it was going down. The teen had tears streaming down his face, not only because of the pain but also because of the guilt, eating slowly away at him, taking more and more every time this happened. And yet he couldn't stop; noodles and beef and egg, all partly chewed and still resembling their original mass and colouring climbed up his throat and jumped past his lips, as if even the food was unwilling to be a part of him, someone so obviously used and broken.

What felt like hours but was probably only moments later found Naruto kneeling on the ground in front of his lunch, throat parched and burning, his stomach churning unpleasantly as he spit the last little bit from his mouth. His arms were wrapped painfully around his torso, as if to contain the ache held there, and the blonde groaned again, his head leaning to heavily hit the wall beside him as his eyes slid closed. He'd have to avoid Iruka for a few days now – there was no way he'd be able to look the man in the eye after this.

His body was just beginning to calm down when the teen heard the shout at the end of the alley. Eyes darting open in fright, Naruto spun around, breath caught in his throat. There was the man from earlier, along with what seemed to be two of his friends, and the teen's heart tried to force itself out of his ribcage when he realized they were heading towards him, their intentions obvious in their eyes.

Immediately he turned and sped away, breathing ragged as he darted through alley after alley, refusing to stop or slow down as he took precarious corners, hoping to find somewhere safe. The last thing he needed was to spend the rest of his day sore and bloody, waiting to heal. Hell, he was still sore from his _last _beating.

"Naruto!" For a moment, the youth thought his assailants had caught up, and he spun around hastily to try and pinpoint their location – to know where he had to be running _from_. But it was only Kakashi above him, sitting languidly on a rooftop, and Naruto tried to hide the fear in his eyes as he quickly threw on a smile, scratching the back of his head as he waved and nervously chuckled.

"Kaka-sensei! I was just looking for you!" He knew by the momentary narrowing of one eye that the silver haired jounin had noticed _something_ off about the young teen. Naruto just hoped that something was small enough to not be of importance.

"Really? That's nice. Actually, I was told to find you as well. The Hokage wants to see us." Apparently it was, since Kakashi didn't mention it.

"What's Jiji want? I thought we weren't to be scheduled another mission until Monday?" out of the corner of his eye, Naruto noticed the three men turn around the corner, and although he made no motion to acknowledge them, his shoulders tightened and his smile turned brittle.

Kakashi noticed. "Naruto, did you prank the citizens again?" He asked, sighing as he waved an apology over to the men. The blonde's eye twitched, and his jaw clenched momentarily, but then he was laughing as he slammed his eyes shut (after all, the jounin was good at reading people, and the teen couldn't be sure he managed to completely reign in his irritation at the comment) and he once again scratched at his head.

"Mah, Kaka-sensei! I swear it wasn't me this time!" The next sigh was so loud Naruto was positive it wasn't a sigh so much as a deep exhalation of breath containing all the disappointment Kakashi seemed to have just for him.

"Just make sure you apologize later, Naruto. Now come on, the Hokage wanted us there hours ago." The three men were already turning away, although the teen knew that they'd be waiting to finish the job as soon as they could.

"Hours?"

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><p>Naruto jumped onto another rooftop, easily following Kakashi through the village towards the tower looming over them. The blonde knew he should be talking, should be laughing and carrying on, but he had an awful taste in his mouth and his throat was still burning from the stomach acid, so he stayed silent, for once glad that the silver haired teacher rarely paid attention to him.<p>

The teen again wondered why the Old Man was calling him. Since the jounin was there as well, Naruto assumed it had something to do with their team – but like he'd said to Kakashi, they weren't even scheduled to be scheduled another mission. So what was going on? Was he going to be reprimanded for missing practice today? It seemed highly unlikely that his sensei would go to the Hokage for something as seemingly trivial as that (although Naruto would understand. He, of course, felt like he'd done something terrible).

But what else? Maybe Sarutobi simply wanted to talk about their previous mission? Or possibly about the chuunin exams(1) – it'd only been a few weeks since those, and a lot had happened during that time.

The blonde nodded to himself as he came to this conclusion, ignoring the funny look Kakashi sent him for it. Yes, that had to be the reason. Old Man wanted to talk about Gaara and the weird snake man – Orochi-something or other? - and Naruto's group had been thoroughly involved with both. Hell, Sasuke had the mark to prove it.

Still, why couldn't it wait until monday? Shaking his head, the youth shrugged to himself, leaping to yet another rooftop. Whatever, it's not like he had anything else to do today. Besides, of course, finding his teammates to apologize. This would actually make his life easier.

"You okay, Naruto?" the teen twitched in surprise at the comment before looking wide-eyed at Kakashi. "You're shaking your head an awful lot." Naruto could have hit himself. Of _course _he had been caught doing something so totally not normal.

"Sorry, sensei! I'm thinking about ramen and all the different kinds, and what I should have for dinner tonight!" ignoring the fact that the blonde doubted he'd be going anywhere near Ichiraku's for the next few days, he didn't have enough money to do so even if he wanted. Kakashi didn't need to know that.

"Ah. Carry on then." And the jounin turned away, an exasperated quirk to his brow as the two reached the Hokage's tower and leaped towards one of the open windows.

Naruto made a face at the older man's back before he, too, jumped in through the window, only to come face to face with the Old Man himself.

"Jiji!" he cried out, grin firmly back in place as he flew through the air to land in front of the desk, one hand up in the air as a greeting. "What's up?" Sakura, standing to the right of him, seemed almost livid at his blatant disrespect. Naruto laughed nervously in her direction. Now he'd get hit for _twice_ as many reasons.

"I'll assume Kakashi is late for the usual reasons, but why did it take _you_ so long to get here, Naruto?" Sarutobi's voice was dry and irritated, and the pipe wedged in between his lips quivered as he spoke. The blonde only laughed in response, shrugging his shoulders and purposefully ignoring the silver haired jounin. "Well, no matter. But please, do try _not_ to follow in your sensei's footsteps. It's bad enough dealing with one late-comer on a regular basis. We don't need to make that two.

"I didn't call you here to lecture you, however. There's a situation -"

"Where's Sasuke-teme? Isn't this a Team Seven meeting?" Naruto grunted as Sakura's fist came down on the top of his head, and he grimaced as he rubbed at the tender spot.

"Don't cut off the Hokage, you moron!" she reprimanded, before turning to bow apologetically to Sarutobi. The Old Man simply smiled placatingly and continued.

"That's actually why you three were called here. Sasuke's missing." The silence that followed the Hokage's announcement was even worse than it had been that morning.

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><p><strong><strong>(1)<strong> – **Just want to point this out here. In the actual Narutoverse, I know that Sarutobi dies fighting Orochimaru during the chuunin exam arc – I didn't like that. Well, I didn't really care one way or another, but he sort of forced himself into this story, so he's still here! Yay! Tsunade might also make an appearance, regardless of the fact she's now not technically needed. So hey! Twisting stories to make them your own = awesome!

**AN/** So! Chapter one completed! I told you it starts off really slow! The second chapter (which I already have planned) is another slow building one, more backplot and angst and shit. The third chapter (which I also have planned) is when it starts getting good! So don't be too harsh yet, okay?

Also! Reviews/comments are appreciated, as always! Give me your opinions! Is Naruto too self-depreciating, or not enough? What did you think of other characters?

~ VANiix


	2. Two

**AN/** Oh hey again, lovely readers! I gotta say, I wasn't expecting a lot of feedback for this story, or even for anyone to really _like_ it, but wow! Only hours after uploading the first chapter, my phone was buzzing with notifications from FanFiction! **_Thanks, guys; seriously._**

So! A great shout out to all those lovelies: **chronicxxinsanity**, **TigrezzTail,** **Yam Yam, KitElizaKing, orenjirei, panda6374, Rika24, Tharrow, TwoSexySombreros, llandry43 and Smileyface-Kitsune**! You guys are officially in my book of awesome. 3 :)

Moving on; another slow chapter today. I know, I know – what is with all the stupid back plot for the story?! Although is this really back plot? Sasuke missing is sort of a pivotal part for the upcoming drama, so... Anywhozits! Enjoy! :)

Last thing! I've decided to try and update every Monday! I can't guarantee how successful I'll be, what with school and final projects and my non-existent social life, but I'm gonna try!

**EDIT::** The last part of the chapter (from the second line break on) has been updated to flow more believably. (y)

**Disclaimer** : Sadly, _Naruto_ does not belong to me, which is sad, because if it did Naruto wouldn't be such a moron all the time. ~sigh.

**Warnings** : Uh... lots of angst. A bloody nose (You've been warned, minors! Offensive bloody nose is offensive). Ooh! Nasty language. Also! Some light Sakura bashing (minus the light part) in the writing. But hey! No characters hate her!

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><p><span>CHAPTER TWO<span>

"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."

~Eckhart Tolle

"Uchiha Sasuke is missing." Although Sarutobi had summoned all three ninja standing before him, knew that they all cared about the now missing Uchiha, it was Naruto the Hokage watched. The teen seemed frozen, as if his mind needed every cell to properly process the information. The wizened old man sighed regretfully when he noticed this, dropping his gaze to the desk before him as he worried the pipe in his lips. He knew better than anyone that the longer Uzumaki was silent, the more volatile he'd be when he came around.

He wasn't disappointed. "What?! What'dya mean, missing? Did he get lost? Kidnapped for those stinkin' eyes of his? What happened, Jiji? Why'd you call us here, instead of sending us out to search?" The blonde sounded panicked, and Sarutobi knew that if he raised his gaze he'd see wide, fearful eyes and an angry posture, arms flailing in a threatening way. He kept his eyes lowered.

"Naruto." monotone, but with a very obvious warning, Kakashi spoke, and the Old Man was graced with another moment of silence – he assumed the jounin was staring the rambunctious child down, although the Hokage knew something like that was pointless. Naruto being respectful was like Naruto having tact, it just wasn't likely.

"I'm serious, Jiji! Why are we here? What about-" Sarutobi sighed again, ignoring the blonde's latest rant as he let his eyes fall momentarily closed. Why did the silver haired man even try anymore? It was obvious nothing was ever going to change when it came to the teen and his loud mouth. "-to do? Are you even listening to me, Old Man?"

"Yes, yes, Naruto. I know you're confused, but what I need you to understand is that Sasuke is not missing like you think he is. He wasn't kidnapped or anything of the sort; Uchiha Sasuke _willingly_ left Konoha without permission. He is, at the moment, a rogue nin."

When the next burst of outrage came, Sarutobi listened, at first patiently, but with growing irritation. Was the blonde ninja _trying_ to aggravate him, or was Naruto just that stupid? Shouts of 'he'd never do that!' and 'that doesn't answer why we're here instead of out there!' sounded like nails on a chalkboard, and finally the Old Man snapped.

"Enough!" He called, gaze finally lifting to pin Naruto where he was, face set in a scowl and hands curled into fists on his desk. "You are _here_ because you do not have the ability nor the knowledge to successfully track and _capture_ the Uchiha. You are _here_ because I can trust none of you when it comes to making logical decisions _about the Uchiha_! You _are here_ because it had to be official when I _denied you_ _leave_ of this village! Haruno Sakura, Uzumaki Naruto and Hatake Kakashi, you three are hereby suspended of duty; you are to take on no new missions. Previously assigned missions will be withdrawn and given to a different team. Leaving Konohagakure for any reason will result in immediate retaliation; ninja assigned to your retrieval will _not_ hesitate to use deadly force if necessary. _Do I make myself clear_?"

Sarutobi was standing now, leaning heavily on his desk as he made eye contact with each ninja in front of him. He ignored the guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach as he took in the teary gaze of Sakura, the surprised, betrayed look of Naruto and the confused glance of Kakashi's single eye. This needed to be done.

"Wh...What're you saying, Jiji? Suspended? I don't understand. Don't you want everyone available to help look for Sasuke-teme?" Naruto actually sounded lost, and it took all of the Old Man's willpower not to drop his gaze.

"Maa, maa, Hokage. I can understand why these two be suspended, but me? I'm more than qualified enough for a search and rescue. You of all people should know that." Kakashi; lazy, logical Kakashi sounded angry and accusing, and Sarutobi snapped.

"Because this is not a _search and rescue_!" the Hokage blatantly ignored the fact that his anger stemmed completely from his guilt, and he definitely ignored the fact that he was being thoroughly unprofessional right now. "Primarily, yes, the mission is to retrieve the Uchiha as quickly as possible.

"_However_. If Sasuke refuses to come quietly and my men cannot subdue him, they have been ordered to remove the threat to our security."

"W-wait, you consider Sasuke-kun a _threat_?" Sakura finally spoke up, her voice just as watery as her eyes, and the Old Man didn't even bother to look at her, knew that it'd break his heart more to see that once trusting, honest face covered in betrayal.

"With his sharingan and knowledge of Konoha secrets, yes. As of now, we do not know what his motives are. And even if we did, I would not share them. As I've already mentioned, the three of you are, as of now, _suspended_. There is no need for you to know anything more. Dismissed." Sarutobi knew that none of them, other than perhaps Sakura, would leave with the dismissal. He just wanted this over as soon as possible. Team Seven had managed to get under his skin like no one else, and he hated having to be so forceful with them. But he could not, under any circumstance, allow them to leave. He was already worried they had lost Sasuke, he had no desire to be left worrying about the other three as well.

He still doubted that they'd follow his order of dismissal. Actually, now that he thought about it, why wasn't he being yelled at yet? Especially by Naruto, who was being strangely silent.

Glancing over, the Hokage saw why. The blonde's head was lowered, obscured by thick bangs which successfully hid any expressions the teen might have had, but his hands were fisted and his shoulders were shaking. The Old Man suppressed another sigh and fell back into his chair, slowly shifting his gaze from Naruto to Kakashi. He noticed, out of the corner of his eye, the pinkette glance worriedly between her two teammates before following the Hokage's orders, turning to flee from the room. Well, that's one down.

Kakashi looked just as shaken and angry as Naruto. Sarutobi decided to enjoy the small silence while it lasted. After all, he had a feeling that as soon as the two were under control again they'd both be screaming. And pleading. And probably ranting.

"I understand where you're coming from, Hokage-sama. However, I still believe that I am fit for duty. Harsh decisions like that are an every day thing for ninja – I am fully confident in my ability to either apprehend or terminate a rogue ninja, even Uchiha Sasuke." Ah, so Kakashi was trying to seem logical and in control, although when the Old Man glanced over, he could still see the agitation in the jounin's eye.

When Sarutobi glanced over at Naruto and saw the look the teen was now giving his team leader, the Hokage realized the blonde didn't realize the lie for what it was. But what _was_ Kakashi trying to prove by lieing? Was he hoping the Old Man would take pity on him and re-instate him for the retrieval squad? Because the jounin had to know how easily he was being read.

But what was the silver haired man's _intention_? Sarutobi could easily guess the young adult was hoping for the chance to convince Sasuke to return – that much was obvious. But by pushing his other student away? Did the jounin care about the Uchiha so much that he was willing to ruin his relationship with the jinchuuriki? The Old Man suddenly felt incredibly sad as he silently studied Naruto, who was in turn staring, openly betrayed and hurt at Kakashi, who was standing tense and straight, focusing all of his attention on the Hokage.

"I stand by my earlier actions." Sarutobi's voice was heavy with his sadness, his throat thick with it while he watched Kakashi visibly crumble. Naruto, on the other hand, reacted differently to the words.

"Bullshit, Jiji! There's no way you could do this! The Old Man I know wouldn't approve Sasuke's death – no matter what! You'd do everything in your power to bring him back alive! Who's forcing you into this? _Who's forcing your hand in this?_"

"Naruto! No matter how close we are, I am your Hokage and you _will not_ question my orders! You will-" Sarutobi's voice cut off as Naruto looked at him fully. The Hokage had never, in the entire time he'd known the teen, seen such darkness and loathing in the blonde's eyes. Nor had he ever felt such heavy, oppressive killing intent from the normally bubbly teen.

"Close? Don't make me sick. You're just a feeble old man controlled by the many snakes around him." and with that, Naruto was gone, leaving Sarutobi and Kakashi frozen in shock.

The Old Man had the sinking suspicion the blonde was not only talking about the decision of Sasuke's termination, but of the jinchuuriki's life in general.

* * *

><p>Naruto kicked the trash can in front of him angrily, sending the object hurling through the air to land several feet away. It didn't alleviate the overwhelming anger.<p>

He was far away from the Hokage tower, stalking through some random street with a 'don't fuck with me' attitude and a scowl on his face. His chest was burning with all the contained emotions, and the teen groaned heavily.

To make matters worse, it wasn't just the 'Sasuke incident' that was weighing so heavily on him, but also his little stunt in the tower. How could he have been so _stupid_? What could have possibly been going on his his terribly thick skull to think for even a second that it was a good idea to drop his act? To lose the _'I'm stupid Naruto who is always happy but upset about the situation so I'm gonna act irrational and loud'_? To give voice to his horrible, horrible thoughts?

Except he knew what he'd been thinking. He'd been thinking about the betrayal he'd felt realizing that the Hokage didn't _really_ care about him, only wanted to help the poor, lonely orphan. He'd been thinking how wrong he'd been about Kakashi, how they weren't comrades, how the jounin obviously didn't care for anyone other than _himself_. He'd been thinking about weak little Sakura running off the first chance she got, afraid to take action because that meant picking a side, and Sakura was nothing if not unsure.

But worst of all, the blonde had been thinking about his own failures. His inability to convince Jiji to change his mind. His failure to keep Sasuke here in the first place. His stupidity for not noticing something wrong with the Uchiha. Because something _had_ to be wrong with Sasuke, otherwise why would he leave? Sure, the onyx haired teen had seemed more on edge and irritated lately, but Naruto had just taken it for boy-angst or something equally as stupid, because wasn't Sasuke always too dramatic?

Dammit, though! How could he have _said_ such a thing? At least he'd been able to run off before his mouth started moving without his consent, _again_. Which had been fearfully close to happening. All of his nasty thoughts; every last one of them on the tip of his tongue, barbed and sharpened, trying to force their way past his lips.

Was his mask slipping? Lately it had been getting more and more difficult to successfully pull off the act, but Naruto had been managing. What would happen if he was no longer able to properly hide himself?

The teen almost laughed when he thought about it. The Old Man would probably lock him up in some mental hospital, after listening to a very, _very_ concerned Kakashi and a troubled, upset Sakura (he doubted Sasuke would say anything, Konoha nin or not). Not to mention the dozens of citizens demanding such a terrifying, indecent character be locked away.

Because the real Naruto _was_ terrifying, as far as the blonde was concerned. He was negative and mean, constantly thinking terrible things about everyone around him. Not only that, but he was horrible to himself. _'You deserve all this and more, you little slut. Deserve everything these men throw at you. You should be begging for it. Hell, you're not _good_ enough for what they do to you. They _should_ do worse. It'd only be fair. After all, you're a monster, a _freak_, a used little whore, good enough for nothing but stress relief'_.

The teen had started scratching at his neck as he lost himself in thought, digging his nails into the skin roughly, again and again, reddening the area and drawing blood. It wasn't until he tripped over a rock on the sidewalk, pitching forward towards the cement, that he snapped out of it.

He couldn't get his hands up in time, so Naruto crashed face first into the ground, a grunt forcing itself past his lips as he rolled over, hands on his bleeding nose. He _really_ needed to start paying more attention to where he was going, he thought with a groan.

As he waited for the blood to stop, the youth lay there, momentarily empty of everything as he stared up at the evening sky. The sun had just about set, signalling the end of another day, and Naruto couldn't help but wish he'd never gotten up. Then none of this would have happened. As far as he would know, Sasuke would still be here, he wouldn't have run into Iruka and once again gorged himself only to throw it all back up, he wouldn't have opened his mouth and said such nasty things to Jiji...

The anger was back again, searing his ribcage and burning his throat, and Naruto actually choked on the emotion, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to get a hold of himself. How long had he been wandering around, trying to calm down? Hours, at least three, just walking aimlessly in an effort to push all his ferocious anger into a far corner of his heart. Normally he would have trained, but the muscles in his shoulders and back still felt stiff and uncooperative, and Naruto knew no good would come from overexerting them.

"Naruto?" The call was soft, and at first the blonde thought that he'd imagined it, but as he opened his eyes and glanced upside down to see behind him, he noticed Sakura standing there, hands folded at her chest and eyes downcast.

"Ah... Hey, Sakura-chan!" he called out, quickly forcing a shaky smile onto his face as he lifted a bloody hand from his equally bloody face to wave awkwardly at the girl. "What're you doing out and about? Evening stroll?" The talking, not to mention the smiling was making his nose ache, but Naruto ignored it – just like he ignored everything else.

"You're hurt! Did you fall? Gosh, Naruto, you're so clumsy." even though the words held little concern (that's not _important, _Naruto, _you're_ not important enough for that)the pinkette had moved to the blonde's side and knelt, easily lifting the jinchuuriki's loose hands from his face and _tsk_ing at the thick liquid slowly drying on skin.

"It doesn't look like you broke anything, which is something to be thankful for." Sakura sighed lightly before making a face at the bloody trails along the bottom half of Naruto's face, "There's really not a lot we can do to clean that up out here. And it seems like the flow is slowing down. Just keep your head back, and put pressure on it."

the blonde jinchuuriki smiled accommodatingly, nodding as he once again lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He didn't mention that he'd been doing just that before she'd tugged his hands away; there really wasn't any point.

"What were you doing out here, anyways? The meeting with the Hokage ended hours ago. Unless – do you live over here?" Sakura really had a talent for speaking. One moment she was scolding, the next sounding confused and a little sad, and after that somewhat interested. Naruto would definitely have to try and sneak some lessons off of her.

"You know me, Sakura-chan! Always looking for the next big prank!" He laughed again, and the sound _hurt_ coming up his throat, threatening to choke him as his mask wavered precariously, threatening to fall apart. But then he coughed, blinked and made a face, wincing at the pain in his nose. "What about you?"

Thankfully, he spoke just soon enough to halt her building tirade about his terrible pranking habits. The blonde wasn't sure he'd be able to deal with it right now.

"Actually..." Sakura spoke hesitantly, leaning back on her heels and folding her hands delicately in her lap, eyes off in the distance. "I was looking for you, Naruto."

The boy instantly tried to push down the feeling of happiness that bubbled up in his chest, although he couldn't stop his smile from instantly brightening. Sakura had been looking for him! _Him_! Not any of her other numerous friends. No, she'd gone out of her way to find _Naruto_, loud, pain in the ass Naruto. And although he really shouldn't feel as happy as he did, knew that there had to be some catch, he couldn't ignore the feeling of such a foreign emotion building up inside of him.

Naruto felt like singing.

"Well, here I am! What can the great Uzumaki Naruto do for yah?"

"I... I need you to do something for me." The happiness that he had just started enjoying slowly began to ebb. Nothing good ever came from _'I need you to do something for me'_. Still, she had come to him, right? That had to mean something, yeah? Maybe she wanted a cuddle buddy to help with the disappearance of Sasuke (if that was the case, Naruto knew he'd be a lot less pissed at the Uchiha). Or perhaps just someone to spend time with? There were hundreds of reasons she could need him!

"I'm all ears! Anything you need – I'll do it!" Even the blonde knew that sounded a little too fake to be convincing, but Sakura only glanced at him momentarily before looking away again, nodding.

"I want you to bring Sasuke back."

There was a black hole where his heart had been. It was doing exactly what black holes did, sucking in everything around it. Naruto was just surprised at how much it _hurt_. Like a rusty knife was hacking away all the pieces, leaving torn edges that stung when touched.

Of course Sakura would want that. Because the blonde wasn't good enough, was he? He couldn't fill the space that consisted of _Sasuke_ inside of the pinkette. No, the jinchuuriki would always be just that – a stupid jinchuuriki demon. He ignored the hateful thoughts swimming through his brain about the both of them.

"Uh... you heard Jiji, right? He said if any of us tried to leave, the anbu had orders to _kill_ us if they had too. As in, fist through the heart kind of kill." Naruto was trying to act like his normal, goofy self (not normal, never normal. Just what everyone expected) but failing miserably. He just didn't understand what was so wrong with him. Because something major had to be wrong if the young girl was asking the blonde to give up _his_ life in order to save the Uchiha's. As if there was no contest about who she'd choose if she had to. And there probably wasn't.

"I know that, Naruto! I'm not stupid, okay? I just – I'm not strong enough to go after him, but I can't just sit here! So please, bring him back?" the girl was _crying_ now, hot, heavy tears, and Naruto hated himself even more when his first thought was _'Oh God, does she have _any_ shame?'_. To make up for it, he hesitantly lifted a hand to pat awkwardly at her shoulder, trying to force a 'Nice Guy' smile on his face.

"For you, Sakura? Anything! I promise I'll bring that teme home kicking and screaming if I have to." The relief on the pinkette's face was immediate, and for a moment she looked like she was about to hug the boy - not that Naruto would mind - but then Sakura took notice of all the blood, and she scrunched her nose up at him, even as she wiped away her tears.

"Thanks, Naruto. Just... could you wash, first?"

* * *

><p>It had taken Naruto just under an hour to get back to his house and grab his few necessities. Fifteen minutes of that time had been spent listening to Sakura scold him for getting blood on her shirt. Not that the blonde was irritated or anything, considering he was risking his life to bring back her all important <em><em>Sasuke<em>_ (he reminded himself, over and over again, that he wanted Sasuke back just as much as the pinkette did, that he was doing this for himself as much as for her).

Another twenty minutes had been spent avoiding the man from earlier, something that had left Naruto shaking with adrenaline and fear as he hid amongst the shadows of abandoned alley ways. He hated having to waste precious minutes, hated feeling so weak and powerless right after promising he'd bring Sasuke back, something that required bravery and strength, but he couldn't, _couldn't_ attack the civilian (he'd been punished more than once by the council for harming unarmed people, had been threatened with imprisonment and been called 'unstable') and the last thing he wanted to do was lead the revenge-filled man right to his door.

Even if most people already knew where he lived.

After that, the teen had rushed home, chest still aching and nose still bleeding, but with a new resolve. He could do this. No matter what the Uchiha's reasons for leaving, the jinchuuriki could bring him home – even if he really did have to drag the onyx haired youth home kicking and screaming.

Once home, he had grabbed his few kunai, hurriedly washed the blood off his face, neck and hands before stuffing cotton wads up his nostrils, quickly changed into a clean set of clothes and forced the now cold, hard rice from that morning down his throat. He hadn't technically eaten at all that day, and the teen knew he'd need his strength. So he swallowed every bite that forced itself back up, ignored the musky taste and imagined he was somewhere else, doing anything else.

After that, it was just a matter of figuring out how to sneak past the village walls. Sasuke had managed to do it, so it couldn't be that hard. But security was bound to be upped – or was it? There was a fifty-fifty chance that the Old Man had sent as many people as possible after the Uchiha heir, which meant Naruto had a pretty good chance of sneaking out with few problems. The blonde just hoped that was the case.

So where does one go when trying to sneak, undetected, from their village? The teen paced the small length of his kitchen, chewing on his nails as he thought. Anywhere near the Hokage tower was out – there was sure to be patrols stationed there. Nor was the front gate a viable option; if it wasn't already shut, the guards always stationed there would be doubly alert. The training grounds, maybe? It might be possible to slip into the surrounding foliage. The only issue would be staying undetected from any prying eyes while crossing such a large, empty expanse.

Naruto stopped, staring at the far wall. Could he do it? He was used to sneaking around, avoiding notice from anyone who might wish him harm. But that was in the many alleys on Konoha. Was he capable of doing so across the many acres of dry, flat ground?

Maybe he could henge into Kakashi? Or some random, no-name ninja? Sakura was out of the question – no one would believe the pink haired kuunoichi was trying to sneak out; they'd instantly assume it was someone else, which would makes things doubly difficult.

His genjustu was shoddy at best, however; No matter who he henged into, Naruto had no doubt that key markings would still show: blue eyes, whisker marks, even his hair colour would probably stay. Any ninja who saw him would immediately know – even a few civilians would probably be able to tell.

So that was a no-go. But what else could he do? Every ninja on the patrol would be keeping an eye out for an orange jacket and whiskered cheeks. He wouldn't even _make_ it to the wall surrounding Konoha before he was caught.

But what if he wasn't wearing orange? No one would suspect Naruto, the village idiot, to plan ahead enough to wear anything other than his gaudy outfit – which would give him that much more anonymity. At the same time, however, if he _was_ caught, what would he say? Breaking from character, no matter how important the reason, would give the villagers that much more ammo against him. His mask _protected_ him, and that mask included the orange suit. He could pin the idea on Sakura, but only if they didn't ask her about it. He had no doubt she'd deny any knowledge of his escape plan; she had no reason to get in trouble for him (Sakura is a _friend_, a good friend, stop thinking such terrible things).

Okay, so he wouldn't wear orange (breathe, _breathe_, you can't get caught, can't let them catch you, so wearing something different doesn't matter because no one will _know_). This could work.

There was another moment of contemplative silence before the teen was rushing to his bedroom, ripping open his dresser and throwing clothes across the room, barely glancing at the multitude of orange as he searched for appropriate attire.

His room was quickly covered, orange sweaters and pants, vests and shorts laying haphazardly across his bed and end table, crumpled across his scratched hardwood floor. But finally, the blonde found what he was looking for: a black headband - which had been squished between two drawers in his dresser - dark grey hakama pants and a black tank top. He didn't have any dark jackets, so he'd have to pack one of his numerous orange ones (Naruto sighed at the thought. Even after years of clothing himself in such a bright colour it still managed to hurt his eyes), nor did he have any dark tape to bind his pants, but it was close enough. With this, hopefully, he'd be dark enough to hide in the shadows.

The jinchuuriki changed again, ignoring all of the dark, nasty thoughts that filled his mind about __re__-changing, about not realizing earlier he'd need darker clothes, about wasting so much time on something so obvious. Instead he focused on __Sasuke__, on finding the Uchiha hair and bringing him home, on seeing Sakura's smiling face when she first saw the onyx haired teen again.

Once done dressing, Naruto grabbed a small, rumpled backpack leaning forlornly against one wall, messily tossing in a random jacket and a few roles of white tape (he'd momentarily debated on binding the hakama pants now, but the white was a little too bright and doing so would waste that much more time) before tying the top off with a loose knot. Then it was around his shoulders, and with deft fingers the bandana was wrapped around his eye catching hair, effectively hiding the colour as the youth tied a knot at the base of his skull.

__'Now I'm ready'__, the blonde thought as he shifted the pack more surely across his back, giving a cursory glance to the mess in his bedroom before shrugging. Not like the mess was going to bother anyone while he was gone. As if needing to prove his point, Naruto easily tugged the now sodden tissues from his nose and dropped them to the floor, adding to the disarray.

With a deep breath, the jinchuuriki turned and left his room, marching towards his front door with a determined look on his face. As he neared the exit, the youth forced a smile on his face as habit before realizing how pointless that was. It was already nearing ten at night – the sun was well past the horizon. On top of that, the teen looked nothing like he normally did; Hell, it'd probably been upwards of six years since he'd left his house wearing anything other than __orange ___(breathe, ___breathe____idiot___, you aren't going to get caught, ___can't___ get caught so no one will ___know___)._

Still, he kept the smile in place, squinting his eyes like he always did as he stepped out the door. It was always better to be safe than sorry.

Once outside, Naruto quickly fell into his normal habits: hiding in shadows, hugging the walls, avoiding eye contact with the few people still out and about. The youth had noticed a long time ago how much easier it was to go unnoticed if he simply acted as if he didn't exist. And that was easy for the blonde – he'd stopped expecting actual recognition years ago.

Using his normal tricks, the jinchuuriki made it to the entrance of the training grounds easily. Still, he was nervous. He'd only come across three or four people on his way, but those few were enough to spread doubt. What if someone walked past as he was sprinting to the far end? Yes, his attire would help protect him from unwanted notice, but it'd also make him that much more of a threat to anyone who saw him. He knew, without a doubt, that anyone who noticed him would take in his purposefully dark clothes and automatically label him an intruder, that they'd instantly sound an alarm. And that was if it was a __citizen__ who caught sight of him. What if it was a fellow ninja? They'd immediately apprehend him, and it wouldn't take long for whoever caught him to realize it was __Naruto__ they had in their custody. And then what would happen? The questions, the answers demanded, the -

No. He'd come this far. He had to keep going, had to keep his promise to Sakura, had to find Sasuke and successfully bring him home.

So, with a preparatory breath and a quick glance around (clear of unwanted eyes, thank Kami), Naruto dashed through the entrance and started sprinting across the terrain, pushing as much chakra as he dared into his feet (with his luck, the spike in chakra would be noticed by a nearby Konoha nin, effectively ruining his escape) to add that much more speed. His backpack thumped heavily against his malnourished body with every other step, a solid __thump, thump, thump__ that added rhythm to his flight but seemed too loud to the blonde's sensitive hearing and caused him to push that much harder.

Every fence to a different training section was vaulted over, Naruto wasting no time stopping to check his surroundings. If someone happened to notice him, the wooden beams would be little help in hiding his admittedly small stature. His best bet was to get across as quickly as possible, take a breather in the surrounding foliage to scan for pursuers.

One more training ground; three hundred feet. The youth was panting heavily at this point, the constant stream of chakra and the demanding pace taking a toll on his already beaten body, but he didn't stop, didn't slow down, didn't look away from his destination. Just kept running, kicking up dirt and small pebbles as he went.

As he neared the final wall (for that's all it could be called, bordering on thirty feet and made up of thick, heavy planks) the jinchuuriki leaped, landing halfway up the barrier, his chakra now focused not only in the soles of his feet but also the palms of his hands as he hung there, sweat slowly dripping from his forehead to his chin.

Without preamble, the teen started scaling the wall, ears open and listening for any scream or shout. It took him another three minutes to make it to the top (too long, __too long__, someone could come at any minute, hurry, hurry, __hurry__), and without stopping the blonde literally fell over the edge, barely catching a wide hanging branch with the tips of his fingers before swinging higher up into the tree, pressing his back against the trunk as he held his breath, eyes wide and darting every which way.

Had someone seen him? There were guards stationed in small booths mounted to the wall all around Konoha – had one of them noticed his mad ascent, or had he been quick enough to avoid suspicion? The training grounds were rarely monitored as thoroughly as the rest of the village, probably because of the amount of ninja practising here on a regular basis. He'd banked on that, hoped that the rumour would prove true. Had he been right?

With a gasp, Naruto started breathing again, sucking in breath as his heart hammered against his ribcage. He hadn't heard any pounding steps yet, nor had he felt any nearby chakra signatures, so the jinchuuriki let himself relax, shifting so the bag didn't press as uncomfortably against his protruding spine, wrapping his arms loosely around his stomach to ward off the already uncomfortable chill. He'd sit here for awhile, not too long, for just enough time to make sure of his freedom and calm his racing heart.

"Naruto."

Instantly the blonde was on his feet, kunai in hand as he spun around towards the source of the voice, his posture defensive as he scanned the trees. Should he make a run for it? He hadn't thought about whether he'd be willing to actually __attack __a fellow Konoha nin in order to fulfil his promise, and now that the situation was upon him he realized he __couldn't__. No, better to just run, hope his evasive skills were better than the hidden ninja's (thinking of that, Naruto couldn't feel a chakra signature, even though he __knew__ someone was there. Dammit, a jounin? Anbu?) tracking skills.

He didn't have time to think, didn't have time to try and come up with some plausible excuse and from the lack of noticeable chakra signature, whoever was there was probably too skilled for him to take quickly and silently (not to mention they _knew_, knew it was him, would connect the _dots_); he had to act quickly.

Without preamble, heart still pounding in his chest and breath caught in his lungs, Naruto acted; immediately the kunai in his hand plus another two were sent towards whoever had spotted him (not good enough, too far right, not gonna _hit_) and he had spun away, pumping as much chakra into his legs as he dared without notifying anyone _else_ in the surrounding area about him and kicking off further into the forest, hakama pants billowing in the wind as he tried to get away, get far enough _away_ while whoever noticed him dodged the thrown kunai.

"Dammit – Naruto!" was all he heard behind him and then suddenly Kakashi was there, hand nimbly plucking the back of the loose tank top he wore and stopping his get away. "_What_ are you doing?"

The jinchuuriki stared dumbly at his sensei for a moment, too many thoughts and emotions clamoring inside his skull to answer. Anger was a big one – how dare Kakashi act like _Naruto_ was the one doing something wrong, when he wasn't the one who had so easily admitted to being willing to kill a _precious person_? Fear – not only had he been caught, he'd been caught by _Kakashi_, who had made it very clear time and again that he didn't care, couldn't give a rat's ass about Naruto. What would he do? Would he tell the Hokage? Or Kami forbid, the _council_? The blonde didn't even think to wonder why the jounin himself was outside of the wall, since the man had probably gotten his wish, had been assigned to the retrieval team (where he was going to _hurt_, maybe even _kill_ one of Naruto's precious people. No, no have to get there first, have to stop them, can't let them do that -)

The thing taking up most of the space in his brain, however, was the thought that now Kakashi had _seen_. No smile, no bright, bulky clothes, no _sleeves_. Every scar (and there were many) lacing up his arms and over his shoulders, on his collar bone and upper back – his sensei had _seen_.

"Naruto! Can you _please_. Answer. The question?" Kakashi hissed out again, face for once not lackadaisical and bored, but serious and intent, and the blonde shook himself, tried to push the thoughts away even as he forced a brittle, tight smile onto his face. He had to _fix_ this, had to make Kakashi not _care_ about what he'd obviously seen (because the man was a _legend_, Copy-nin Kakashi, the man could see a fly from a mile away) but his heart was still pounding and he couldn't seem to get enough air.

"K-Kaka-sensei! No way! What're you doing out here?" Even though the jounin was standing in front of him, he still had a hold of the back of Naruto's shirt, and the blonde could feel the ratty, worn material slowly being pulled up his stomach, showing even more burns and scars and brands. He needed to cover them, needed to wrap his arms around his chest of _something_ to stop the rising of his shirt but the jinchuuriki knew that doing anything of the sort would only make what he was trying to hide all the more noticeable.

"I could ask you the – oh wait, I already did. Answer me, Naruto. What _exactly_ are you doing past the walls when you're on suspended duty?" The silver-haired jounin sounded a little more amused now, but his eye was still unnaturally serious.

Naruto wanted to spit. He wanted to scream and hit and yell and tell Kaka-_sensei_ that it was none of his fucking business what the blonde was or wasn't doing past the wall, because Naruto didn't _associate_ with trash who would so easily sell their precious people.

Instead, the jinchuuriki let out a shaky chuckle as he shrugged faintly, knowing he couldn't, _could not_ do anything else that might seem strange, that he had to _calm down_, had to find a way out of this situation, had to convince the jounin he was just being his normal, idiotic self and hope that was the end of it.

"Haha... training in stealth?" At Kakashi's unimpressed look, Naruto tried again. "I was trying to find you?" another look, "I... actually sleep out here?" When Kakashi still didn't look convinced (or even amused), the blonde deflated. "...Going after Sasuke-teme." He tried to convince himself that the silver-haired man already knew, that he'd only wanted Naruto to admit to it, that nothing he'd said would've been believable enough, but he still felt his chest clench unpleasantly at the idea of telling the _truth_.

After a moment of silence, the copy-nin sighed and released the jinchuuriki's shirt, although Naruto could _feel_ the considering eye as it trailed across his bony shoulders, his thin chest, down to his bloated belly and he shuddered, arms twitching at his sides with the desire to cover as much as he could.

Thankfully, the eye left after a moment as Kakashi no doubt realized there was something of much more importance that needed to be dealt with. Namely, Sasuke.

"And did you manage to come up with a _plan_ to bring Sasuke-kun back? Or did you just pick a direction and start running?" Now Kakashi definitely looked amused, although there was a condescending tone to his posture and comment that immediately made Naruto's hackles rise.

Of _course_ he had a plan; it was actually the easiest part of this whole thing to come up with: Kage bunshin, of course, would be used heavily. Thousands of him (he was, at least, smart enough to know that if his chakra was split evenly amongst however many clones he made, then the more clones meant less chakra for each clone, which _meant_ a smaller chakra _signature _for each clone) spread heavily apart, each searching as far as they could, heading into any nearby villages (no shinobi villages, only small outposts) to ask questions and find what he could. Of course, this would all have to wait until he was a couple miles from Konoha, at least (he'd be most comfortable waiting fifteen, twenty miles to avoid most of the Konoha shinobi already out searching, but he couldn't wait for that long, had to start _now_ as soon as _possible_), but once he'd started, he imagined it wouldn't take more than a week, maybe two to find where Sasuke-teme had went and bring him _back_.

Of course, the Naruto that everyone knew wouldn't have been able to come up with a plan even as simple as that, so the blonde just laughed and shrugged, lifting a hand to scratch the back of his head. He would have answered further, but the fear was still thick in the back of his throat, even if it wasn't so much for being _caught_ or _seen_ specifically, but for both. Thoughts of being dragged before the council, labelled a 'rogue-nin' and 'too dangerous' warred equally with thoughts of what _Kakashi_, was thinking, how to minimize any curiosity or interest the man may have about him.

"So... you have nothing. No plan, not even any ideas, and although it seems you at least thought to pack _something, _whether or not anything in your pack is actually useful is another thing entirely. Go home, Naruto, before anyone finds you missing and labels you a rogue-nin." the blonde immediately glared at his jounin sensei, jaw clenched as he tried to come up with a plan.

He could pretend to give up, agree, and then circle around the jounin and continue on anyways, but now that Kakashi knew he was here the jinchuuriki doubted the silver-haired man would turn away so easily. He'd probably follow Naruto right back to his apartment door to make _sure_ the blonde had 'followed orders' before continuing on his way.

Actually, what _was_ Kakashi doing out here? If he'd been accepted onto the retrieval team, someone would have noticed his disappearance by now and come to check it out.

"What'bout you, Kaka-sensei? Why's no one from the _retrieval_ squad checked in with you yet? As far as they would know, you've been away for too long without contact." He couldn't help some of the anger and hurt that slipped in as he spoke, nor how pouty and childish his words sounded as he finally gave in and crossed his arms – although he immediately wished he hadn't. Stretching the skin on his arms did nothing but throw the scars criss-crossing his biceps into sharp relief. Something that the jounin immediately noticed, if the narrowing of his eye was any indication.

"I'm not a part of the retrieval mission." Or maybe that narrowed eye had been because of his comment, although the knowing the copy-nin, it was both. Regardless, the silver-haired man's response had been short, and although is posture was back to looking loose and bored, Naruto could see the tension in the man's shoulders.

"Then what're you doing out here? If you aren't part of the retrieval squad, then _you're_ just as suspended as I am!" It was hard to trying to come across as upset, confused and betrayed while still holding onto "Naruto", who was, inherently, _not_ any of those things, at least all at once. The blonde was getting a headache.

"Uh, well, y'see..." Kakashi was _embarrassed_, if Naruto had read the slight lifting of shoulders and glance away correctly. Then his sensei sighed, his body deflated, and he answered, "_I_ am going to bring Sasuke-kun home before this gets anymore out of hand. _You_, however, are going _home_."

"What?! How's that fair! If you can go, so can I!" that wasn't so much of an act – as far as Naruto was concerned, it was _true_, minus all the dramatics.

Kakashi just stared blankly at him. "For one, your a _genin_; Not exactly ready for a retrieval mission. Two, I can't rightfully agree to just let you continue on your way – you'll probably be killed, and when the village finds out I _let_ you leave, I'll be in _twice_ as much trouble as I already am." Naruto just narrowed his eyes and glared silently (something he _knew_ he shouldn't, that it didn't really fit with who he _was_, but he couldn't argue without either giving reasons he shouldn't naturally be able to come to or saying something he _really_ shouldn't say about _exactly_ how he felt about Kakashi) until the silver-haired sensei sighed again.

"Am I going to be able to convince you?" the jounin asked, and Naruto shook his head silently. "...Fine. If you're refusing to go back to the village, I can't let you go on alone. We'll travel together."

Suddenly Naruto wished he'd just agreed to return and headed out later.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** So... has anyone noticed how much I effing _hate_ Sakura yet? Because I hate her. I really do. She's a complete twat. Ugh.

Anyways, second chapter done! Over 7000 words! Holy crap! And I gotta say, not as slow as I had expected. My 'master plan' lists this as one of the slow, boring chapters, but there was lots of arguing and back-and-forth and a shit ton of interaction between the characters. And that's always fun, right?!

Huh. Well, let me know what you guys think! Like I'm pretty sure I stated in the last chapter, feel free to send me some ideas! I've only really planned like, the beginning of this so far (figured I'd write out the four chapters I have planned, brainstorm some more, continue writing, etc) since I know that if I plan out all of it I'll end up changing it anyways, so if there's anything you want to see, let me know! If I like the idea/think it works well with the plot so far/characters/settings, I'll throw it in and give you credit! :) Because I'm awesome like that.

**Afterthought/** Editing this chapter after I finished writing it (it was written in like, five different sittings so I already assumed there was going to be slight inconsistencies) and realized just how choppy/terrible the writing is at the end. All random sentences and no real flow to the story line. I was gonna fix it (rewrite it, more like), but like I mentioned earlier, this chapter's already over 7000 words. And that's a lot of words. So I'm leaving it. :( Use your imaginations for that, alright? Well, mostly just think lots of angsty thoughts between Kakashi's offer and Naruto's acceptance. That's really all that's missing.

~ VANiix


	3. Three

**AN/**Wow, long time no see! /hides in fear because it's been upwards of a year/ So... I'm not even going to bother trying to excuse my long absence? Only state that _in_ that absence, I was completely, utterly useless? Seriously, I did nothing like, all year. I mean, there was school, which was crazy busy, and I _did_ get a job that takes up a lot of time, but otherwise? Utterly useless. Blargh.

Anyways! **IMPORTANT STORY INFORMATION!** I realized, due to a couple reviews, that I did not share SUPER IMPORTANT information with you guys, so you've probably been reading this without the necessary back-back plot. .. yeah. I ALSO noticed that some of you are picking up on little hints I've been putting in about just how messed up Naruto is! Kudos! :)

I can GUARANTEE that the relationship between Naruto and Kakashi WILL be romantic (not for like, ever, because seriously, my Naruto is _fucked up_, but yeah! Eventually!). I am like, 98% positive of this. So if you don't like that, then... well, enjoy the story for the next like, fifteen-twenty chapters, but then you'll probably wanna stop.

THAT BEING SAID. Because I am super NOT a fan of pedophilia (seriously, that is like my only complaint with this fandom.), and also because I've always thought that having what, 11-12 year old children suddenly graduated ninja in a time of peace to be seriously messed, I made some changes to Team Seven's ages. They are as followed:

Sasuke Uchiha : 15 years old.

Sakura Haruno: 15 years old.

Naruto Uzumaki: 17 years old.

Kakashi Hatake: 28 years old.

I chose Kakashi's age totally randomly, not gonna lie. If the dude was a genius, and graduated super young, and taking into account most ninja's life expectancies, I couldn't imagine him much older than 25. Sasuke's and Sakura's ages were lot simpler. In my opinion, during peace times, I can't imagine graduating children any younger than 13, 14. So they graduated when they were 14, and since it's been like a year-and-a-half since then, bam! 15. Naruto is 17 because he failed twice, remember?

So yeah! There yeah go! Those are their ages, and I really hope that you're okay with that, because if you wanted them any younger than, well.. you might have a little bit of a problem. ._.

Now, FINALLY! Enjoy this long awaited chapter!

**Disclaimer/**I definitely do not own Naruto or any of that nonsense. I can't even stand the manga/anime (although I did suffer through the first like, 400 chapters before giving up).

**Warning/**Um... lots of angst in this one, mentions of self-harm, some depression, some _actual_ self harm and a mentally-disturbed person trying to force a third party into inflicting "punishment". I think that's all? Also! A TON of swearing near the end! Sorry, kiddies, but Naruto just don't care.

**Little extra info right here/**I edited the last third of chapter 2! It still seems a little awkward to me, but I feel like I protrayed the characters (mainly, Kakashi) a _little_ better with this version. Check it out? Tell me what you think?

**EDIT ::** the last section of this chapter has been edited (because seriously, my end-of-chapter writing abilities obviously freaking suck)! So enjoy!

* * *

><p><span>CHAPTER THREE<span>

"Where is our manager of mirth?

What revels are in hand? Is there no play,

to ease the anguish of a torturing hour?"

- William Shakespeare

Kakashi was interested, far more interested than he'd been in a very long time, and that scared him. Not the being interested part, of course – after all, who didn't love a good mystery? No, what scared him was _what_ had him interested.

From the moment he'd met team seven in that small classroom a year-and-a-half ago, he'd pegged Naruto as the dumb, blonde idiot everyone else had. The stupid pranks, the terrible chakra control – hell, the terrible control Naruto had for _everything_ – the ignorant, oafish comments _all the time_; Every meeting Kakashi had ever had with the blonde had done nothing but confirm his initial assessment.

How had he been so _wrong_?

There had, of course, been hints now that he knew what to look for. The constantly squinted eyes he'd initially read as an idiot expressing his joy could now be read as the sign of someone with something to hide; The loud laughter after somebody expressed displeasure with the jinchuuriki that he'd initially thought of as someone too thick-headed to realize he was being reprimanded was now blatantly the sign of someone holding something back; Even the constant stupid comments Naruto seemed to so randomly spit out now held a deeper meaning. Instead of someone who couldn't read the atmosphere, Kakashi felt those comments were because the blonde had felt the rising tension (that appeared _so often_ within his team), maybe even before anyone else had, and had reacted accordingly to stop any serious arguments.

And then there were the injuries.

Now that he was looking back, they were obvious. That day Naruto had shown up, his pants bulkier than normal, and had spent practically their entire training session just standing around. The few times he _had_ moved around, such as when fighting against Sasuke, he'd been slow and encumbered, tripping every other step. Kakashi had just written it off as Naruto being Naruto – perhaps he was planning on pulling a prank later, and that's what was hidden within his pants? The jounin had reprimanded the youth on not focusing his attentions on his _duties_, on spending too much time thinking up new pranks and not enough on training.

Or when he'd spent an entire day using only one arm, the other tucked close to his side. The blonde had _said_ that he had a bet with Lee, and that he could only use his left arm for the day. The jounin hadn't bothered asking farther.

Or that time he'd shown up late to training – so late even Kakashi had been forced to wait for him. Sakura had yelled at him for twenty minutes, and Sasuke hadn't spoken to the blonde for a week. Kakashi had made it clear how disappointed he'd been, not even asking about the bandana tied around the blonde's neck, or about how little the youth had actually spoken that day...

On and on the list went, meetings after meetings where, looking back, Kakashi could see clear as day that something was _wrong_, that Naruto wasn't being _Naruto_, and he'd just written it off as idiocy, mediocrity, dozens of reasons why _it didn't matter, this was Naruto, he was nothing but a bumbling idiot pranking everyone all the time_.

Actually, now that he thought about it, he couldn't even remember the last prank Naruto had pulled. Was it the painting of the Hokage monument? If it was...

If the Naruto he had known for going on two years was nothing but... but a character, a _charade_ like Kakashi was starting to think he was, the jinchuuriki was far more talented than anyone thought. To be able to pull off such a large scale deception, that not only everyone in the village but also the ANBU, the _Hokage_ had fallen for it, Naruto was practically a genius in his own right.

Then again, how much of the "act" was actually fake? Was it just the constant smiling and rough-housing? The jounin could understand if the blonde didn't feel comfortable showing any of his more negative moods – but no, from what he could tell, the jinchuuriki had been acting like this way before he'd found out about the Kyuubi, so hiding his anger and pretty much every other negative emotion _because_ of the creature inside him wasn't a plausible answer.

So then what? _Was_ it just the constant smiling that was an act? Then again, to be able to create a deception this large, one had to be quite intelligent. Which meant that, at least to an extent, "idiot Naruto" was also fake. But why?

Pondering this, as he'd been doing for the last four days, the silver-haired jounin glanced at the teen who'd been filling his thoughts. They'd stopped for the night, and he'd taken first watch (he _was_ highly trained, and more used to trips like this, after all), but it was already time to switch with the blonde and he could tell that Naruto had yet to actually sleep. Too much twitching and shivering. _Why_ the teen was twitching and shivering, though, was yet another mystery. The weather was almost too warm for late September, and even in the dead of night it didn't get anywhere cool enough to be causing shivers like he'd seen.

Maybe it was because of how underweight Naruto was. Kakashi had been surprised when he'd run into the blonde outside the wall to see how thin the youth's arms were, how far his collar bone jutted out, how bloated and damaged his organs were (he was a trained ninja who'd lived through the second war, he'd _seen_ long-term starvation victims, and Naruto was on the extreme end of that spectrum).

More than that, the scars were what had truly frightened him. A seventeen year old, barely a ninja, with such extensive scarring that _Kakashi_ had been horrified into (_momentary_) silence?

Kakashi had seen some seriously horrifying things in his life, had inflicted a lot of those horrifying things on other people, but he'd never expected to see something like _that_ on one of _his_ students. And he'd only seen the arms! From what he'd seen peaking out of the ratty tank-top the blonde had been wearing (and had long since hidden under that horrid orange jacket), the scars continued – at least down the youth's chest.

How had they happened? He'd asked, of course (in a round-about sort of way, asking without _really_ asking, although he was starting to think that Naruto had still picked up on what he really wanted to know) but had been given generic, obviously false information. Why? Why was he covered in scars? Why had the jinchuuriki lied?

What was he hiding?

Even after four days of travel, Copy-nin Kakashi, a man who was hailed as a genius in Konoha, was still no closer to unravelling the mystery that was Naruto Uzumaki then he had been a week, or even a year ago.

And he was scared.

* * *

><p>Four days. Four days of non-stop searching for Sasuke, with no one but Kakashi for company, and Naruto was quickly losing it. There were no leads, not even any <em>hints<em> of where the Uchiha might have disappeared to, and every day it got a little harder to avoid the retrieval teams – who were now not only searching for the onyx haired teen, but also the blonde and his jounin companion.

It also didn't help that the jinchuuriki was used to a certain way of living, even on missions. Time alone, where he could drop his mask and actually _relax_ was impossible with only the two of them. And ever since that stupid _day_ where he couldn't keep his mouth shut, the silver haired man had been just a little too interested in Naruto (no, he hadn't been able to alleviate any suspicions yet, the blonde thought darkly).

The youth groaned and rolled onto his other side, turning away from the cause of his current vexation. They had stopped for the night, and Kakashi had taken first watch – not that it mattered to the jinchuuriki. There was no way he could sleep; he was practically _vibrating_ with need. For as long as he could remember, the teen had been in pain. Broken arms and ribs, bloody cuts and bruises, burn marks and _agony_. Not a day had gone by that he'd avoided it. He couldn't, not when the entire village wanted to see him suffer.

Of course, as he'd gotten older, the nightly 'visits' had diminished, happening every few days, although the intensity never wavered.

It was on one of Team Seven's first prolonged missions to another village when Naruto realized he actually _craved_ the pain, the punishment. Of course, he'd panicked, dashing away from Sakura and the others in an attempt to calm down, to avoid the mental breakdown he just knew was coming. He remembered crying, trying to understand where the strange desire originated from. Who in their right mind _wanted_ to be hurt?

He hadn't come up with an answer then, although after weeks of wondering the blonde was pretty sure he'd figured it out. There had to be something wrong with him, didn't there, if everyone went out of their way to attack him? And if there was something wrong enough with him to warrant the punishments, there was no way he deserved more than a few days respite. And punishing him was obviously enjoyable – at least, the dozens of blurred faces always seemed to be happy, so why couldn't Naruto join in the fun? He _wanted_ to fit in, wanted to be acknowledged and considered important. And if to do so he had to cut and rip at his own skin, well, who was he to argue?

Eventually, hurting himself had stopped being about the acknowledgement of his attackers and started being the relief he needed from his dark, terrible thoughts.

And it had been four (five, if he counted the last day in Konoha) days since he'd been allowed that relief. He felt like screaming, tearing out his hair and jamming one of his kunai into his thigh.

And to top it _all _off, he'd had to deal with Kakashi's insistent questions the entire time. Mentions of his agitation, which he easily played off on his desire to find Sasuke (which was partially true). Curious stares about his erratic behaviour (wearing his mask was as difficult as it had been on that fateful day Naruto had dubbed 'the beginning of the end'). Worst of all, however, were the questions of his body. The blonde was still cursing his idea to wear such a small shirt; Kakashi had seen the scars littering his arms, noticed the thin arms and protruding collar bone, seen the way the small sized shirt hung, loosely from his frame.

The youth had waved the questions off as consequences of being a ninja – his scars were from training, fights, and his clumsiness, his minimal weight from his fast metabolism, caused by his athletic profession. Kakashi didn't believe him. Naruto didn't blame him. The excuses were just that – excuses, and particularly weak ones at that. A ninja of Kakashi's caliber easily saw through them, and the teen was _seriously_ wishing he'd just agreed to return to the village and snuck out a different way, away from Kakashi's prying, know-it-all eyes.

At least if he had, the jounin would only have seen that one day of erratic behaviour. Now he'd been privy to almost a week's worth. Nor would Naruto be stuck lying on this stupid sleeping roll, muscles spasming and twitching, every nerve ending screaming and throbbing with need because it doesn't hurt, doesn't hurt _enough_ and he needs it, needs it needsitneedsit -

He flinched when he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder, twisting painfully away and turning to stare, wide eyed and terrified at whoever was behind him because even if it doesn't _hurt enough_, he doesn't want it, can't get caught because then it hurts and hurting isn't nice even if he wants it and the laughter always follows and he can't stand it, needs to hide, needs to _get away please don't don't it hurts not enough need it no more - _

"Naruto?"

Blinking several times in quick succession, the blonde furiously bites the inside of his cheek when he sees it's Kakashi kneeling over him, actual concern in his visible eye and his hand still outstretched.

"Sorry, Kaka-sensei. Bad dream – Orochi-whats-his-name took all the ramen! Is it time to switch already? Man, time sure does fly! Well, get some sleep, Sensei, I'll protect you!" He's rambling, the words coming too quickly and he can already tell that the jounin isn't convinced, why can't he just _stop_, he never cared _before_, but Naruto doesn't give him a chance to say anything, jumps up and further away from his sensei's grasping fingers (is reminded of Iruka, all that time ago, reaching for his shoulder because _you're too skinny, Naruto. Are you sure you're eating okay? _And feels even worse) and takes a seat as far from the sleeping rolls as he can, on the opposite side of the dead, makeshift fire-pit and smiles blindingly at the silver-haired man.

Kakashi just stares at him for a moment, unnerving and terrifying the teen with how knowledgeable that look already seems, before inclining his head and laying down in his own sleeping roll.

"Make sure you don't fall asleep on watch, and don't hesitate to wake me if you notice anything off."

Naruto just nods dumbly along, eyes squeezed shut because he knows, just _knows_ that the terror and need and fear are still right there at the surface and Kakashi _must not know_, and then, when his sensei's back is finally turned and he is once again free from that knowing, intelligent gaze, he _finally_ let's his fingers unclench.

Almost immediately, and without his consent or even really his knowledge - since Naruto is too busy trying to keep a look out for any enemy ninja (or even Konoha ninja, at this point) while trying to force his memories, which have been so close to the surface today (and yesterday, and even the day before, somewhat) further down – he starts scratching at his legs. He doesn't break skin or draw blood through the thick material of his pants, but after awhile it starts to hurt enough that he can breathe a little easier.

For most of last night, and even tonight while he lay on his roll pretending to sleep, Naruto had debated sneaking out of camp while Kakashi slept and just doing what needed to be done, or even taking a kunai to himself right here, while his jounin slept, _or_ even packing his things and leaving in the middle of the night, when only he was up.

But he knows that Kakashi is too light a sleeper, and too good a ninja. If he does anything other than sit here and keep watch, the jounin will wake. The smell of blood, the absence of familiar chakra, while anything _might_ wake him, _something_ will. No, He'd be better off trying to sneak far enough away that he could get away with something like that during the day, with Kakashi awake and focusing on other things. Asleep, the silver-haired man is more attuned to Naruto than at any other time.

The jinchuuriki knows its not _just_ because the jounin doesn't fully trust in the abilities of a genin, that a part of it has to do with sleeping in foreign territory, that focusing your subconscious on your comrades is not only less taxing, but also safer, that if anything _were_ to happen to him Kakashi would be awake in an instant, ready to help however necessary (and that's a _good_ thing, it is), nor is it fully because Kakashi doesn't _trust_ the blonde, although that's been made abundantly clear the last few days, with the jounin's sharp gaze constantly resting between Naruto's shoulder blades. Whatever the reason for it, it irritates Naruto, makes the crawling of his skin so much worse and the twitching in his left eye that's been a constant the last thirty-six hours or so even more unbearable.

But he knows, knows that doing anything out of the ordinary will bring Kakashi's attention back to him (which he doesn't _want_, _stop it_, can't you see what you're _doing_?), and so he sits in that one spot the entire night, left hand scratching fitfully at his thigh, eyes and ears focused on the foliage surrounding them as he mumbles and mutters under his breath about _hurt_ and _no_ and _need it_ because it needs out, he needs to let it out but not through the blood because Kakashi is here and he can't wake Kakashi but Kaka-sensei is sleeping and it's crawling, crawling under his _skin_ into his _brain_ and he needs to get it _out_.

And Kakashi lays there through the night, uncovered eye staring sightlessly into the dark, listening to the student he'd never bothered to get to know break apart.

* * *

><p>In the morning, after a sleepless night for both (although Naruto doesn't know that), the blonde has managed to put a lid over the worst of his thoughts, hiding them from the light of day as one would a dark, dark secret. His muscles are still spasming randomly, and his left eyelid hasn't stopped twitching, but the mask comes a little easier, seems a little less forced and Naruto is thankful.<p>

They pack up in silence, something that the blonde appreciates (he's so tired of the never-ending _questions_) but knows is not normal. His cover still feels a little too shaky and loose, and he doesn't want to shatter it by trying to talk like _normal_ but he knows, knows with one hundred percent _certainty_ that Kakashi should've been all over the silence, asking invasive questions and demanding answers in that lackadaisical way he has.

But he isn't, and Naruto knows something's not right and wants to ask, but he's so _thankful_, so _glad_ that maybe his sensei is finally giving up and so he doesn't say anything, but continues to roll up the extra sleeping mat Kakashi had packed away inside a sealing scroll (another thing he's been harassing himself over, his lack of skill in _packing_. Kami, who forgets a _sleeping roll_? Idiots, that's who) and smiles absentmindedly to himself.

He knows there is absolutely no way Kakashi has given up a couple hours later. It's just the two of them, no shadow clones (the blonde hadn't figured out a way to mention his idea without it coming off as strange) searching through the woods and relaying information to him or any other ninja, as far as either can tell.

Naruto had spent most of the morning babbling, taking any thought that had been negative in _any_ way and turning it into some random, usually useless idea because if Kakashi _was_ starting to give up then he needed to see the blonde acting as normally as possible.

Kakashi did not react the way he normally would have.

For most of the morning, whenever he looked at the blonde he looked like he'd seen a ghost, his single visible eye haunted and his skin ashen. After that, he hadn't looked at Naruto at _all_, had pulled out Icha Icha and 'hmmed' thoughtfully every once in awhile, face practically glued to the book.

The blonde had asked, knew he _had to_, because this wasn't normal, he wasn't acting _normal_, wasn't doing it _right_ but the jounin had only shrugged and replied, "who knows?".

They were silent again, because now Naruto knew things _weren't_ getting better between them, had gotten worse somehow and he couldn't seem to think of anything _normal_ to say when he was so busy biting his tongue to contain the overwhelming fear that not only had Kakashi _seen_, but now he _knew_. He _knew_ something and Naruto didn't know what and he couldn't deal with this when even his own _skin_ was trying to get away from him.

A hand suddenly latched onto the back of his jacket and spun him around, and the blonde flinched before he could stop himself, hands reaching out to shove at a chest suddenly _too close._

When said chest _didn't_ move (read: fall) away but the hand let go of his jacket, Naruto looked up to see Kakashi standing in front of him, mask lifted in a smirk.

"Lost in thought?" The jounin asked, although it sounded hollow somehow and suddenly the jinchuuriki realized he hadn't had his mask on in sometime, and he hurriedly forced a smile onto his face, laughing awkwardly.

"Just thinking about Sasuke-teme, and how pissed Sakura-chan is with him!" he replied, trying to inconspicuously take a further step back from the taller man. He didn't _like_ people in his personal space.

"Ah, well I've been trying to get your attention for awhile. We should stop for lunch." By the time he'd finished his sentence, the silver-haired jounin had turned away and leaped from the branch they were standing on, leaving Naruto alone to wince and smack himself in the head.

"Idiot!" he whispered harshly to himself, "you need to pay _attention_!" smacking himself once more, Naruto hurried after his sensei, uncaringly leaping from the branch as well to land on the ground below.

Kakashi had apparently been doing more than "trying to get his attention for awhile". When Naruto landed in the clearing, the jounin had already removed his pack and was working on skinning and gutting a rabbit he'd caught at... some point. Just how out of it had the blonde been?

Standing there in silence, awkwardly picking at his cuticles was not something Naruto should be doing. It wasn't _normal_, but the blonde didn't know _what_ to do. What did Kakashi know? If the jinchuuriki knew what the jounin did, he could figure out what he needed to do to fix things. But he _didn't_, so he didn't know how to _act_, which left him standing there, on the edge of the clearing, awkwardly picking at his cuticles as he watched the jounin finish skinning and start gutting the rabbit.

And suddenly, suddenly it was too much to bear. He _couldn't_ keep doing this, couldn't continue trying to appease Kakashi's obvious concerns and minimize his interest without _some sort_ of relief.

"I'll, just uh... go and grab some wood for a fire." he mumbled distractedly, the picking at his skin getting worse as he turned away. He was stopped, though, before he even reached the edge of the clearing.

"No need; I don't want to waste more time than necessary, so I'll just use a jutsu." The tone was amused, and more friendly than it had been all day, but Naruto grimaced, lifting a hand to his mouth to start chewing on the side of his thumb as he shoved his other hand in his pocket.

"Oh! Cool. Then um... I'll go see if I can find some water." the jinchuuriki mumbled around the appendage in his mouth, not bothering to turn back to look at his sensei before he started on again. He needed, just _needed - _

Suddenly Kakashi was right in front of him, partially gutted rabbit hanging from his gloved fingers as he stared with narrowed eye at the teen. Naruto jumped, stumbling a couple steps back as his eyes widened and he accidentally bit harder than previously on his thumb – breaking skin and causing blood to bubble and drip down his hand.

"Are you alright, Naruto?" The jounin asked, taking a small step forward. The blonde nodded, eyes still wide and heart beating heavily in his chest as he stared at the blood still dripping heavily from his wounded thumb.

"I – yeah, what?" It didn't – he couldn't – why was it so difficult to smile? Everything seemed to be moving too fast suddenly, and he stumbled again as he tried to back further away from Kakashi (too close, too _close_ need to get away). He just – it was getting hard to breathe, his lungs were burning and he knew he was gasping for air now but Kakashi kept _coming, _kept walking towards him, that stupid rabbit dangling from his fingers and Naruto needed to get _away_, had to get _away_ -

But for what? What was it he needed again?

"Hey, okay, I think you should sit down." the jinchuuriki could hear his sensei talking, could hear the words but he couldn't _understand_ them, and when the silver-haired man reached out for him Naruto reacted instinctively, smacking the hand away as he flinched and took another startled step back.

"No – I – just – _get away from me_!" he gasped out, stumbling on a rock or a twig or _something_ and slamming into a tree that hadn't been behind him before and that just made it worse because what little air he _had_ was gone and he was trapped now, Kaka-sensei in front tree behind and the world was spinning and all he could focus on was the blood dripping down the hand he'd lifted to cover his face and how much his chest _hurt, _a kind of ache he'd never felt before but didn't want to feel ever again because he felt like he was _dying_ and sensei kept coming closer and suddenly Naruto was just so _angry_.

"Get the _fuck_ away from me!" he tried to yell, but it came out as more of a gasp as he flung his hand away from his face, blood flying out to splatter against the silver-haired jounin's mask and now the blonde could see how confused and concerned the older man was and _how dare he look at me like that_.

"Naruto, I-"

"You what?" Naruto cut him off, gasp-screaming as Kakashi finally _stopped_, finally _listened_, "you keep – _fucking_ l-looking at me! Stop it, stop _looking_, stop _s-searching_ just fucking _stop_!" He couldn't continue, needed to breathe, needed to stop whatever was happening here because it wasn't good, it wasn't _normal_ but he didn't know what was normal any more and it still _hurt -_

"Naruto, you need to _calm _down."

Suddenly Kakashi was right _there_, and he didn't look confused anymore, he looked harsh and determined and Naruto was suddenly reminded of all the other faces that had looked at him like that, dark and angry and snarling and he flinched back, smacking his head against the tree behind him as he scratched at the bark, fingernails chipping.

"No, don't, plea-" he managed to choke out before he couldn't speak anymore, why was there no _air_, he didn't want to die needed to breathe breathe _breathe_ -

"_Naruto!"_

With a harsh gasp that brought in no air the blonde tore his hands away from the tree behind him (had to get _away_ but he _couldn't_ because he was _trapped_) to scratch at his throat, trying fruitlessly to suck in air as he curled inwards on himself, bloody nails leaving equally bloody paths as he tore at the skin, tried to find some way because he was going to _die _and oh Kami he _couldn't_, still had to find Sasuke cause he _promised_ and what would Sakura do if she saw him like this?

He'd actually almost forgot about Kakashi being there until suddenly his hands were ripped from his throat and smashed into the tree behind him, and he gasped fruitlessly again as his throat muscles seized at the sudden movement.

"No -" He begged, but then Kakashi was pushing his head back and back and back until he was staring at the canopy above him, and he writhed, terrified because even though he needed it please no _stop_ -

"_Breathe, _Naruto! You need to _breathe_!" and the blonde would have laughed if he could've, at that, because what did the silver-haired man think he was _trying_ to do? But his lungs were still constricting and his heart was pounding furiously in his chest and he was being pinned to a tree by a man who could very easily kill him and all Naruto could think about was that he _didn't want to die_.

The hand pressed to his forehead tightened and Naruto struggled all the harder, because it still felt like something was trying to rip it's way out of his chest but his neck was bared and they'd tried before tried _every time they caught him_ to kill him and he couldn't let them, didn't want to diedidn'twan'ttodiedidn'twan'ttodie _please_ -

"L-let – _go_!" he cried out, his voice barely as whisper as he thrashed against whoever was holding him because more would be coming soon and he needed to _get away_.

"Naruto, stop! I need you to _calm down_ and _focus_ on your breathing. Listen to my voice, okay? Feel my chest against yours? Feel my breaths. In, and out. Come on Naruto, you need to calm _down _and _breathe_, okay?"

But Kakashi's voice seemed to be coming from a long distance away, and all the blonde could remember was being held like this before, and ripping and burning and _agony_ and he was begging, mouthing words he could no longer speak because he still couldn't _breathe_ but he didn't want this he was wrong he was always wrong he didn't want them touching him why wouldn't they _stop_ oh please -

And then suddenly there was nothing holding him up and he was sliding down the tree, the bark ripping at his back as he fell to the ground, hands immediately clutching at his throat again as he gasped, eyes misty and unseeing and he should move, needed to _get away_ because they'll be back they _always come back_ but he couldn't feel his limbs anymore and the edges of his vision were darkening quickly and the last thing he saw before the world went completely dark was his sensei, standing in front of him with a look of complete and utter disgust.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**So... yeah! Yay for Naruto's first panic attack! Suuuuuper angsty cliff hanger right there, eh? I feel I went a little overboard with this, but since this is technically only the _tip_ of the iceberg when it comes to how fucked up Naruto is, I also felt that dimming it down even a little would mean that future freak outs would seem waaaay too crazy in comparison?

As always, let me know what you think! Also – I feel like I'm not portraying Kakashi properly. I mean, obviously my characters are going to be sort of OOC, they have to be, but I also kind of want people to be able to relate both my story and the narutoverse together? So that _my_ story seems that much deeper?

What do you think?

Vaniixx


	4. Four

**AN/** Wow! Guess who's back, after another year?

I realize I never put this in the last chapter, so just to let you know: that whole "I have all these chapters planned out, so writing is gonna be super quick!" thing I said in the first/second chapter? Yeah, literally like right after I posted the second chapter, I lost that document, so all the plans I had for this story were gone. So each chapter now requires me to go through several times, and delete/add all this extra shit in order to seem like an actual story, and not just these random jumbles of words haha.

That's not an excuse, but I felt like you guys should know that.

Anyways! Guess who finally finished chapter four? This chapter hated me – it fought every step of the way. D:

Also: you guys give me strength. Seriously, I know it took forever for me to write this chapter (UGH), but every time I got a review from one of you, it made me smile/wiggle/laugh and without fail had me opening my word document and trying to continue, even when writing even one sentence seemed like a monumental task. So thank-you, seriously (seriously seriously).

Now! Onto the story!

OH! Also! This isn't really important, but just to let you know: eventually (years from now, at this point), I'll be going back and deleting any unimportant/unnecessary author's notes, but for now, instead of deleting them I'll just tell you when anything changes (like my hate for any/all Naruto characters. I still dislike some of them, but I've come to see them as people as well, with their own thoughts and feelings. So any character bashing in this story will only happen if that's what a character thinks, not what I think!).

**Disclaimer/** Yata yata, Naruto and all things affiliated don't belong to me.

**Warnings/** Um... semi-graphic description of wounds inflicted last chapter? Maybe some swearing? As usual, mostly just a shit-ton of angst.

* * *

><p><span>CHAPTER FOUR<span>

"One thing you can't hide – is when you're crippled inside"

- John Lennon

In a secluded forest bordering the edge of the Country of Fire, in a small clearing, sat a silver-haired man. The weather was calm, the day bright, and the creatures of the forest frolicked merrily. Kakashi noticed none of that, however, as his entire focus was on the small, bandaged form of one Naruto Uzumaki.

What little could be seen of his face was blank, his single visible eye cloudy and unfocused as a hundred thoughts raged through his mind.

He had seen panic attacks before, dozens of them. Had even helped a few people through them. As such he knew, without a doubt, that what had transpired only a little while ago had definitely been a panic attack. But he had never seen one so severe. It was like the blonde hadn't even _recognized _him. _Or worse_, his mind whispered,_ he recognized you, but was still terrified of you_.

Whether or not the jinchuuriki had recognized the jounin, though, the question still remained: What had caused the attack?

Kakashi could only wonder. The teen had been visibly twitchy and nervous the last few days. At first the older male had been flabbergasted; what was causing such a reaction in the boy? But then the previous night, by the smouldering campfire had happened and the jounin had realized the boy was going through withdrawal (couldn't even think about Minato's son having an addiction of any kind, didn't _want_ to think about Minato's son at all because it hurt, still, even all these years later), just a different kind than he was used to seeing in people.

What kind of person _wanted_ to hurt themselves? Was that where all the scars came from? Had Naruto done that to _himself_? What kind of life did someone have to live to even consider doing something like that? The questions had raced through his mind all morning, and he had barely been able to stomach looking at the teen, all those scars he knew littered the frail body underneath the baggy jacket taking on a whole new, sinister meaning.

And then Naruto had seemed... off, somehow while they travelled today. Still twitchy, still rambling and smiling and doing Naruto-esque things. The jounin still wasn't sure if it was just his radically different perspective or if it was the blonde himself, but there had been an edge of hysteria to the jinchuuriki's performance (and it _was_ a performance, an act. How had he never seen it? He was the best there was at looking underneath the underneath).

And then the teen had just... stopped.

Well, he'd kept jumping from branch to branch, kept the pace the silver-haired man had set that morning, but he'd stopped speaking mid-sentence, stopped smiling, and he wouldn't respond to any of Kakashi's prodding.

The jounin had been, understandably, concerned. Naruto was behaving _wrong_. He'd tried several methods to get the blonde's attention, but nothing he did made any difference. There was obviously a part of the teen still focused on his surroundings, because he never tripped, never missed a branch, but it was like... like everything that made him _Naruto_ was gone, and all that was left was basic human instincts.

Kakashi's concern had turned into full blown fear when, an hour later, the jinchuuriki still hadn't responded. He'd even called on Pakkun to ask his opinion – and quickly realized his mistake. He had seen a little concern, yes, but mostly the dog had been condescending, suggesting that if it were anyone but Naruto, he'd assume they were just deep in thought. And then he'd left. That just made the pit in the older man's stomach sit that much heavier. _How_ was everyone so _wrong_?

Hell, he'd even snagged a rabbit he'd seen scurrying through the underbrush without Naruto noticing, and had spent the last twenty minutes, small creature dangling from his fingers, staring with furrowed brow at the blond as he struggled to think of _some way_ to break the teen out of... whatever this was. Without doing irreparable damage. Because he could see now, as if some curtain had been lifted, how _fragile_ Naruto was. How very close to completely breaking he was. And the older man was terrified he was only going to make it worse.

When his grumbling stomach could no longer be ignored, Kakashi sighed and, with a pensive expression, decided what to do. He'd thought of and tossed the idea out hours ago – touching people in this state was never a good thing – but now... now he had no idea what else to do, and if they didn't stop soon he was worried Naruto was going to crash from exhaustion.

It was better to be quick and decisive. He knew doing this would startle the blond badly, but he didn't want to be the cause of Naruto falling and cracking his spine. So, with a fortifying breath, he sped up until he was right beside the youth and, as they met the next branch, reached out and grabbed the back of the jinchuuriki's jacket, pulling him back and around to a sudden stop.

He'd expected the sudden reaction. What he hadn't expected was for the blond to flinch so harshly and immediately try to force him away. Like he was a _threat_. He pulled his hand away as if burned, feeling sick again when Naruto looked up at him and for a moment _didn't recognize him_ (this is Minato's son, his _son_ and to him you're a _threat_).

He had to force his lips to quirk, and shuttered his visible eye to limit what he could see because although the blond recognized him now, that edge of hysteria was back and the older man wanted to cry, or scream or _something_ because this was all _wrong_.

"Lost in thought?" He asked, tried to sound normal, like his heart wasn't trying to crawl it's way out of his chest, and didn't even bother listening to Naruto's response because he knew now, knew it was all fake and was too busy noticing the teen edging away from him anyway, still wary, still unsure of _him_ and that _burned _(he had done this. He'd written the jinchuuriki off like a bad deal and now he was _paying the price_).

"Ah, well, I've been trying to get your attention for awhile now. We should stop for lunch." He couldn't do this, couldn't hold a conversation with the blond after everything he'd learned, so he left, turned and ran away like he'd been doing ever since Minato died.

There was a clearing, right below and slightly to the left of where they'd stopped, and Kakashi set to work immediately on skinning the rabbit, not wanting to have to look at the blond. He couldn't stop himself from recognizing the youth's chakra, of course, and so knew the teen was standing at the edge of the clearing (being quiet, so _quiet_ and that wasn't _right_), but he wasn't looking, he _was not_ looking so he didn't even realize something was horribly wrong until Naruto spoke.

"I'll, just uh... go and grab some wood for a fire." Immediately all of Kakashi's senses were honed towards the youth, even if he still wasn't looking, because there was something ominous behind those words, something dark and dirty and _wrong_.

"No need; I don't want to waste more time than necessary, so I'll just use a jutsu." he replied, as casually as he could, because he couldn't let Naruto walk away, couldn't let him out of his sight with that darkdirty_wrong_ feeling still hanging in the air.

"Oh! Cool. Then um... I'll go see if I can find some water." if possible, the feeling _expanded_ at those words, and suddenly Kakashi wasn't just concerned, he was worried and alarmed, and he shunshined over to the youth, half skinned rabbit dangling from his fingers, forgotten as he studied Naruto's face for darkdirty_wrong_, tried to figure out what was happening here because whatever it was it needed to stop.

He immediately felt guilty when the jinchuuriki flinched again and jumped back, but he couldn't back down, couldn't walk away from – whatever _this_ was, and so he took a small step forward as he asked, "is everything alright, Naruto?"

Everything devolved from there. It took him a few moments, moments he _didn't have_ to realize what was happening, that Naruto was suffering what was quickly turning into a severe panic attack, and by that point the blond was already staggering backwards, eyes panic bright and lips parted almost comically to try and get in air.

"Hey, okay, I think you need to sit down." Kakashi said, alarmed, because panic attacks tended to be all consuming, and he really didn't want Naruto falling and cracking his head on anything, but the blond was still stumbling backwards, throwing his hands around and shaking his head and the older man really wasn't sure what to do.

Why was Naruto having a _panic attack_?

"Naruto I-" He started, taking yet another step towards the jinchuuriki because the blond had backed himself into a tree and that seemed, if anything, to only send him deeper into the attack and he _really needed to breathe_.

"You what?" Naruto cut him off, and Kakashi stops, because the blond sounds angry and _hurt_ and the jounin really doesn't know what to do with that. "you keep – _fucking_ l-looking at me! Stop it, stop _looking_, stop _s-searching_ just fucking _stop_!" And that just makes it worse, because suddenly Kakashi has the sinking feeling that _he's_ the cause of this attack, but he can't think that, _can't_ so he forces himself to forget the thought and think about _Naruto_ instead, Naruto _hurt_ and needing _help_.

Focusing, Kakashi locked down everything but the facts: Naruto was having an attack. He needed to calm down. He wasn't doing so on his own. Kakashi needed to figure out a way to open up the youth's airways and get him to _relax_.

"Naruto, you need to _calm_ down." He needed to sound forceful, in control; Most victims of panic attacks calmed down when they could hand the reigns over to someone else -

"No, don't, plea-" but not Naruto, who took one look at Kakashi's face and seemed even _more_ terrified, and the older man flinched, taking a step back because the blond looked like he expected _pain_, and his face was rapidly reddening with complete lack of oxygen and suddenly the older man realized Naruto wasn't _breathing at all_.

"_Naruto!"_ He cried out, terrified because he couldn't handle this, couldn't handle Minato's son (his _son_) breaking down so thoroughly and everything Kakashi tried only seemed to make it worse -

Naruto was curling forwards, was scratching at his neck and the silver-haired man could see _blood_, could see the blond's nails ripping into skin and no, _no_.

He jumped forwards, ripping the youth's hands away from his neck and pinning them to the tree above him (too harsh, _much_ too harsh but have to stop him), locked them into one of his fists and used his other hand to push Naruto back up, forcing his head back to elongate his throat, stretch the muscles, force them to open even a little to allow oxygen through, and "breathe, Naruto, you need to _breathe_!" felt stupid even saying it but he couldn't just stand back and watch his sensei's son fall apart, not like this.

But Naruto wasn't calming down, wasn't focusing on breathing or relaxing the muscles in his throat, was trying as hard as possible to _get away_, and Kakashi tightened his hold to keep the blond where he was, because at least in this position he was getting _some_ oxygen, and that was better than _none_.

At least until he caught sight of the jinchuuriki's moving lips, and automatically read them, something he'd been doing for so long it was second nature – then he was ripping his hands away, staggering back like he'd been struck because (_"I don't want it, I don't, don't touch me don't no please stop I'm sorry I didn't mean to I was wrong I don't want it don't hurt me again I'll be good oh plea-"_)Naruto thought he was trying to _hurt_ him, and Kakashi stared at his hands in disgust because what kind of sensei was he, that he could terrify one of his students so badly?

He barely even noticed Naruto finally passing out, which was just another jab at his cracking, breaking heart.

* * *

><p>Now here he was. He'd bandaged Naruto mechanically, forcefully pushing away all thought until he'd carefully covered all the cuts and scrapes (his neck had been <em>mangled<em>, gouges so deep he's surprised the blond hadn't ripped out an artery, or even his larynx), then he'd finished skinning the rabbit (which had ended up tossed to the side of the clearing, somehow), and just like he'd said, used a jutsu to toast the skin to a crispy brown.

_Then_, he'd cut the rabbit into bite sized chunks, sealed all the edible meat into a spare scroll (he couldn't eat, couldn't even _think_ about eating when Naruto was laying, passed out in the middle of the clearing) and buried the bones and detritus a good three feet below ground, right by the roots of a large oak tree.

And now here he was, sitting cross legged on the forest floor, barely paying any attention to their surroundings as his mind whirled. He was no closer to an answer now then he had been an hour ago. What had caused the attack? The skittishness the last couple days? Those _scars_?

Kakashi was starting to get the feeling he really wouldn't like the answer.

* * *

><p>Unlike most people who pass out, Naruto didn't wake slowly, didn't come back to consciousness "one sense at a time"; One minute he was unconscious, the next – not.<p>

He was laying on his side. From what he could tell of his wounds, without getting up to look at them, the ones on his back from sliding down the tree were mostly healed, just a few scabs left. His fingers were bandaged, but the hot sting emanating from each fingertip clearly told him they were still chipped and shredded. His neck – well, he actually didn't feel _anything_ from there, which meant he must have done a lot more damage than he'd thought.

Blinking his eyes open slowly, Naruto swallowed, then immediately regretted it. The muscles in his throat screamed in protest at the assault. He went to lick his lips, then grimaced when he moved his tongue, and realized it felt too hot and too heavy in his mouth. His fingers twitched, and he hissed when the movement sent sharp spikes of pain all the way down his forearms.

"Naruto?" The word was soft, barely spoken, but it was enough. The blond's shoulders tightened immediately (he ignored the spike of pain down his spine) and his face went blank, because that was Kakashi, and that meant the silver-haired man was behind him, out of line of sight. Muted panic instantaneously started clawing at the back of his throat, and he gagged slightly, unable to stop himself because his _sensei was still here_, and he _knew_, and oh Kami, what was he going to _do_?

The only reason he wasn't already spiralling into another panic attack was because the chemical release from the last attack had left his thoughts muted, slow.

"Kaka-sensei..." he murmured, voice scratchy and eyes blank as he tried to work out how to fix this. "You're still here."

"I – you thought I'd be gone?" The voice is harsh now, almost accusing, and Naruto flinches before he can stop himself, can check his reaction. He doesn't know what to say, because yes, he had thought Kakashi would be gone, was surprised his sensei had even thought to bandage his wounds, but the older man's tone of voice makes it clear that agreeing won't go over well.

But what to say? How can he explain away not only his surprise about Kakashi still being here, but the panic attack, and the twitchiness of the last few days, and the scars, and his seemingly yo-yo-ing emotions, and just everything about him that's not _blondeidiotorange_?

Naruto's heart is starting to pound, and that achy feeling in his lungs that says he's not getting enough air is back, and his thoughts are starting to race because there's nothing, no way he can explain all that away, not in a way that'll stop Kakashi from looking, when he's seen so much already and he's never had to deal with this before, never had anyone notice, and what is he going to -

He stops. Breathes. Re-thinks his last thought. Thinks he's found a solution that could work. It'd mean telling a little of the truth (and for a moment that re-ignites the panic, because no one can _know_, not _ever_), a lot of half-lies. But the older man is paying attention to him now, and Naruto knows better than most how good his sensei is at spotting fibs.

But he can't have this conversation laying on his side, appearing so small and fragile (it'll weaken the story, he needs to appear calm and in _control_ and _sane_), so with a deep breath the blond rolls over onto his back and then, before the pain can truly start to sink in, pushes himself up until he's sitting. His fingers are screaming at him again, and some of the scabs on his back have re-opened - he can feel the warm blood soaking into his ripped shirt and jacket – and his head feels light-headed, but he's _up_, and that's all that matters because that mean's he's that much closer to convincing Kakashi to _stop caring_.

"Maa, Kaka-sensei," he starts, words breathy because he's still having trouble getting enough air (but it's not panic anymore, it's _pain_ that's making breathing difficult, and he knows how to work through pain) "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant – we're out here to find Sasuke-teme, right? We're still in the Country of Fire, so it's not like we have to worry about rogue nins -" Konoha anbu, yes, but that's not important, don't need to mention that "- or anything. I could've caught up, after I'd rested awhile."

"You had a _panic attack_, and you think I should have left to continue searching for Sasuke-kun? Just assume you'd be alright and _leave_ you here?" Kakashi still sounds accusing, and the blond swallows heavily (painpain_pain_) and closes his eyes, lifts a hand to scratch the back of his head like he's nervous (and he _is_, because he's about to admit to something _no one has ever known_, even if it isn't truth).

"M'sorry for not telling you, sensei, but I've had panic attacks as long as I can remember. They tend to sneak up on me when I'm worried or stressed, and with Sasuke-teme missing..." he shrugs, slits his eyes to spot the older man in his peripherals, gauges his reaction, "M'used to them. They aren't a real surprise anymore, and with the Kyuubi speeding my recovery I tend not to worry too much about 'em. Plus, with both of us just sitting here for so long, it'll be easier for the anbu to lock onto our chakra signals. So, I figured you'd leave a note or somethin' then continue on."

He hopes Kakashi doesn't latch onto how well-thought out that sounds, hopes he focuses on Sasuke and attacks and Kyuubi because Naruto can't seem _smart_, but he needs to convince the jounin to think about something else.

There's silence for a moment, and the jinchuuriki opens his eyes a little further, tries to figure out what sensei is thinking, but the man's face, even his visible eye is blank, and the panic is starting to claw up his throat again because Kakashi _has to _believe him.

"You've had panic attacks before." even his _voice_ is blank, and Naruto knows without a doubt the older man doesn't believe him yet.

He shrugs, tries to make it seem nonchalant, knows it comes off as jerky and stressed, and smiles (tries to make the smile seem _real_, not just large and toothy, because to make this work he needs to seem embarrassed but not _uncaring_). "Yep. Never been too sure why, figured it has something to do with the Kyuubi." he immediately knows that sounds weak, knows he should have said something better, more convincing, but the words _I grew up alone_ and _was never sure what to do_ he'd been planning on saying won't leave his throat, dig deep into his tongue and _stay there_, and blaming the Kyuubi is the next best thing he'd thought of.

"You're _lying_." Kakashi is suddenly right in front of him, crouching on the forest floor and hands bracketing his feet, and Naruto flinches before he can stop himself, shoulders jerking back before he aborts the try to move away, can't seem _scared_ of a man he should trust unconditionally (but can't, never _can,_ because Kakashi doesn't care about him, _shouldn't _care about him so Naruto can't trust him not to _hurt_), and knows the jounin noticed.

"Maa -" he starts, laughing nervously as he leans back, digs his fingers into the dirt (ignores the cry of painpain_pain_ because a face full of dirt will slow Kakashi enough to let him _get away_, if he has to), but doesn't get the chance to continue.

"You've been lying for _years_, and I want to know _why_." Naruto freezes, staring over Kakashi's shoulder because how does he _know that_, he _shouldn't_, because the blond has been _careful_, has covered all his tracks and he knows the jounin hadn't noticed _before_ -

Then he shuts the thoughts down, forces the panic away _again_, and furrows his brows in feigned confusion as he laughs. "What're you talking about, Kaka-sensei? I mean, yeah, I've prob'ly lied about a couple pranks in the past, and sometimes I've had to smudge the truth to Sakura-chan a little because come on, her punches _hurt_, and Jiji doesn't always need to know the truth because for an old man he is _scary_, let me tell you, and Sasuke-teme sometimes needs his ego brought down a couple pegs so I've bent the truth about how much better he is -"

He stops suddenly, because he knows he was babbling, the pain in his throat makes that pretty clear (he couldn't let Kakashi _speak, _had to keep talking because even a second of silence means hearing the disbelief in the older man's voice_),_ but he shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have mentioned how _much better_ Sasuke is than him, doesn't even hope the jounin will miss the wording because he's _Copy-cat Kakashi_, he notices _everything_, and forces another awkward laugh out.

"Seriously, Kaka-sensei, I think you're over-reacting, a little."

"I heard you, last night." it's said flippantly, a mockery of how Kakashi usually is because that wasn't _normal_, that was an accusation – one that hits right where it's supposed to. Naruto pales instantly, eyes going glassy and blank because _that's what changed_, the jounin knows about his _problem_, which just makes everything worse because _no one can know that_ but Kakashi _does_ and he's going to tell _everyone_ and there's no way Naruto can explain that away.

But... But Kakashi was supposed to be _asleep_, the blond was _so_ _sure_ he was (obviously not sure enough because Kakashi _heard_, he heard _everything_ and there's no way to _fix this _everything's _ruined_) -

He suddenly wishes, with every fibre of his being, that he'd never opened his mouth after his attack. He'd planned on talking about Sasuke being missing, and the stress of being the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki, and the uncomfortable thought about being a missing-nin now; weaving it all together with little lies and half-truths to explain everything away.

Instead, he's revealed even _more_ secrets, created even more _questions._

He glances, as subtly as he can, through his fringe and sees Kakashi just _staring_ at him, single visible eye intense and _steely_, and cringes away. He's ruining _everything_ (you always _do_, you stupid _freak_, never deserve anything _good_).

"Please, Sensei." he voice comes out small, and he cringes again at all the _emotion_ he can hear in those two little words, knows he's given even more away but he doesn't know how to _fix this_ anymore, just wants it all to go _away_ and for his sensei (who he should trust but _can't_ because he's horrible, dirty, _no good_) to _stop asking_.

He hears the jounin sigh, a soft, quiet thing, and flinches again, fingers digging a little harder into the packed dirt.

"Do you think you can handle travelling?" Naruto almost sags with relief, because Kakashi sounds _normal_, sounds flippant and uncaring again and when the blond glances back up the jounin has backed away, is standing by the edge of the clearing and he has that little orange book out, isn't even _looking_ at Naruto and the jinchuuriki wants to cry with relief.

"You know it, Dattebayo!" he says (_lies, _the idea of travelling brings a scream to his throat), smiles brightly (and the mask feels so much stronger, feels like it used to), and forces himself to stand. He has to clench his jaw to hold the scream back, has to force his muscles loose and pliant when they want to lock up, but Kakashi is acting _normal _and maybe that means he's just going to forget about all of this, so Naruto has to too, and that means ignoring the painpain_pain_ just like always.

"We continuing north?" he asks, and is so glad his voice sounds relaxed, feels a sharp spike of pleasure, because his mask is _back_, it's not _breaking_ anymore, and if he can act like he usually does, for the rest of the trip, maybe the jounin will think he's made all this up, will never bring it up again and Naruto can spend the rest of his life forgetting (don't think about it _can't think about it_) that the jounin _knows_.

Kakashi doesn't even look up, just waves a hand negligently and is opening his mouth to respond when -

"Naruto Uzumaki, Kakashi Hatake, you are traitors of Konoha charged with leaving the village while under suspension. Come quietly, or be prepared for force." There's three Konoha anbu in the clearing, standing opposite Kakashi and Naruto, and all that happiness and relief that had been lightening the blond's chest turns to fear and horror, because _how long have they been there_?

It actually takes him a moment to remember that these people have full authority to kill him, that them being here means he's failed, broken his promise (the thought is a sharp pain because Naruto Uzumaki _never_ breaks a promise but now he _has_) to Sakura, that there's a whole new problem he has to deal with, because all he can think about for several heart-stopping moments is that, if they've been here for any significant amount of time, that's three more people, three _strangers_ (and what if one or all of them are some of his repeat _attackers_, because he knows several ninja have gone after him before and he _can't see their faces_ can't _tell_) who _know_.

"Maa maa, there's no need for violence now." Kakashi is right behind him, now, and the muscles in the blond's back twitch because having someone get that close without realizing is _terrifying_, but no matter what he _can't show that_ because these anbu _cannot see_ anything but a unified front. So he smiles, and squints his eyes (can't close them, can't fully hide because he needs to _see_ them, needs to watch for any attacks), and lifts a bandaged hand to scratch the back of his head as he shrugs.

"Will you come peacefully?" it's the middle anbu who speaks, and while he's standing relaxed, the other two anbu are blatantly fingering their weapons. Naruto wants to say something, _anything_, but knows that right now, regardless of how strange it seems, he needs to stay quiet (stay _still_) so that these Konoha elite don't register him as _threat_.

So he looks cautiously up and back at Kakashi instead, broadcasts his movements and keeps his hands loose and open at his sides. When the jounin turns his head slightly to glance at him, and smiles that stupid eye smile that always means he's about to do or say something completely inappropriate, Naruto wishes he'd never woken up.

He had a feeling he was about to be running for his life.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** DUN DUN DUN. Yet another cliff hanger! I was gonna continue, and plan on starting the fifth chapter as soon as I post this, in order to continue, but I after over 4500 words, decided this was a good spot to end it.

So? What do you think? I showed the panic attack from Kakashi's point of view, in order to help give you guys a sense of what I think Kakashi was feeling during it, but does it work? Or does it seem too OOC?

As always, review! Give me ideas for where you want this story to go (especially now that I've lost my chapter guide!), etc etc.

Vaniixx


	5. Five

**AN/** Another chapter? So soon?! And one that's just shy of 7000 words?! No way!

Oh! Also! Remember how last chapter (which I posted like two days ago, ha!) I said I'd lost my reference guide, so that's partially why this story sort of... stopped? Guess who found said guide yesterday on some old thumb drive!

Yep. And after writing only two chapters (I lost it sometime after writing the second chapter!) that didn't follow that guide, it's now no longer useable. Because I apparently went in a _completely_ different direction. (y) Go me!

**Disclaimer/** Same as always, lovelies!

**Warnings/** Um... another attack-esque thing? It stings a little like schizophrenia, so if that disturbs you be prepared! Also, vague gore? Nothing too descriptive, mostly thoughts/feelings about it. I think that's it? Let me know if I missed anything! Ooh! There is some slight verbal/physical abuse down below. It's told from a third party perspective, so not as descriptive, but still.

* * *

><p><span>CHAPTER FIVE<span>

"Sometimes, being hurt too many times doesn't make you stronger,

it destroys who you were,

who you wanted to be,

and makes you who you are today."

- Rafael Prado

Naruto had to try very hard not to scowl at the back of the anbu walking in front of him. The smile on his face felt jagged, like sharp glass cut into his skin, and the muscles in his right cheek were twitching with the beat of his heart because they had been walking for _hours_. Not jumping through the trees, not even running along the ground. Walking. Casually. For _hours_. The soles of his sandals were starting to wear through.

It certainly didn't help that he could actually feel Kakashi's gaze digging into his shoulder blades. The older man was walking behind him, and who decided that? Because Naruto was going to complain. Definitely. Once he was back in the village, with these stupid chakra inhibiting cuffs off (his wrists had been crossed diagonally in front of him, and the cuffs had locked together. He couldn't make a hand-sign even _if_ he could somehow force his chakra passed the cuffs) and had a clear punishment for blatantly disregarding the Hokage's orders assigned, when they could no longer send a convenient kunai towards his throat and cry "danger" or "threat" or "defence" and walk away unpunished.

Ugh, but the _walking_. At the rate they were going, it was going to take weeks to get back to Konoha! Naruto couldn't stop the quiet huff at the thought, and almost missed the answering snort from behind him. As if _Kakashi_ had any right to talk – it was all his fault they were in this mess in the first place! Could've agreed to come quietly like any sane person would have done (especially when you weren't planning on _actually_ abandoning your village) but _no_, that wouldn't make _sense_, instead the jounin had to do the whole song and dance, hum and haw and evade actually answering any questions until the anbu had lost patience and _forced_ their compliance. Hence the cuffs. And the single file line. And the _walking_.

Naruto was just starting to look back over his shoulder to glare at his sensei (because really, _rude_) when he felt the sharp bite of a kunai press entirely too close to his jugular. "Face forward." The blonde froze, then cautiously turned his head back around to look at the anbu – Boar, if the teen was reading the mask correctly – and tried to smile innocently.

He doubted the masked man bought it, or even cared, because he held the kunai where it was for a moment longer (and Naruto was starting to panic, because this man could do _anything _and no one would hold it against him, no one would even _care_) before backing up and turning away.

The teen sighed discretely, then bit his cheek sharply when Boar sent another look his way. He didn't have the luxury Kakashi had with this; The silver-haired man was an _elite jounin_, the only way they were using force against him was if it was obvious he was resisting capture. Naruto was a genin, and the nine-tailed demon container. He'd actually be surprised if they _didn't_ attack him before they got back to the village. They'd already escalated from petty remarks to outright violence – smacks and sharp jabs, kunai held to various tender places.

Although he doubted they'd do anything too terrible in front of his sensei. Kakashi would have an obligation, as his commanding officer, to step in (didn't think about the warm feeling he got at the idea of someone _helping_, knew even if that did happen it wouldn't be because of _him_, wouldn't be because Kakashi cared, but because the jounin _had to_). If he had to guess, they'd wait until sometime during the night, after everyone had turned in and his sensei was no longer conscious. Which meant he had to be _doubly_ careful. People with the patience to wait always counted every misdeed against him, and when he was already dealing with anbu, he couldn't afford to piss them off too much.

Kami, but he really didn't think he was going to survive this walk (if the stress didn't do him in, the slow, _agonizing_ speed they were moving at would definitely end him).

* * *

><p>Kakashi ruthlessly squashed yet another spike of guilt as he watched a muscle in Naruto's neck twitch every few moments. He knew it wasn't fair to the teen, but he'd wanted (needed, had to find out what was <em>wrong<em>) more time to evaluate the jinchuuriki, break apart all those carefully constructed walls and see what was inside, and he wouldn't have been able to do that if they were unshackled and free to travel normally. His close scrutiny would have been noticed by the anbu team around them, and while at the time he simple hadn't wanted to show his hand, he was starting to think limiting _any_ curiosity about the blond other's might have was of paramount importance.

He had expected the chakra inhibiting cuffs, and the single file (strongest at the back, bringing up the rear; weakest at the front, normally long-range specialist, keeping an eye on surroundings but quick to slide behind at the first sign of any danger; taijutsu specialist in the middle, available to provide help in any direction needed. He knew this brand of anbu team well), and even the walking, since he knew better than most how strangely some people's chakra coils could react to inhibiting cuffs.

He hadn't expected the blatant antagonism to poor Naruto-kun.

He snorted again, a little louder this time, to see if his hypothesis had indeed been proven correct, and couldn't stop the almost imperceptible tightening around his eyes when nobody rebuked him for the noise. It wasn't the lack of threatening that was making that small dark pit in his stomach turn leaden, however (because Konoha nin were _trained_ for this, were expected to be silent and aloof and seem all around totally uncaring about prisoners and what they said or did until said prisoners turned into threats, because doing so had helped cement Konohagakure's reputation of having the strongest, smartest, _deadliest_ ninja – and plus, letting your prisoners talk sometimes revealed important information), but the way that, in the last five hours these three anbu – Boar, especially, but Rat and Fox were no less guilty – had broken protocol a staggering _twenty-seven_ _times_. And as his hypothesis had just proven, it was _only_ against Naruto.

Anytime the blond made _any_ noise (even his sandals scratching too loudly at the dirt below them was apparently enough cause), moved in _any_ way other than the bare requirements to keep moving forward, even showed _any_ expression other than general politeness (from what the jounin could tell, anyways. It was a sound analysis when there had been several altercations that Kakashi could find no discernable reason for), one of the anbu reacted. Verbal, even physical threats, taunts, and at one particularly memorable moment (Naruto had suffered a whole body shudder, which had started the guilt because Kakashi was pretty sure the shudder was from how hard he'd been staring a hole in the genin's back) a sharp smack across the side of his head.

At least, Naruto _reacted_ like it was nothing more than a sharp smack, but the silver-haired man was pretty positive he'd seen the bright glint of protective metal across the back of Boar's hand, even if he couldn't be sure because he'd been too busy being absolutely gob-smacked that an anbu (_any_ anbu, _ever_) had broken protocol so severely as to _hit_ a prisoner.

He'd only wanted more time, and a reasonable excuse to continue studying his student without attracting too much attention. That's why he'd played the angle he had, came off as resistant but non-violent, forced them into shackling him (and, consecutively, Naruto) and as such limiting their travelling to on foot. He'd banked on the three-man team being a general team, and not one of the specialized tracking units because that mean they utilized _this_ particular strategy – two in front, one behind, prisoners placed not only at the best defendable position in the line, but also the most easily subdued if they tried to fight.

He just _really_ hadn't anticipated their treatment of the blond, though, and was starting to regret his decision. At the pace they were going, it'd take them a week and a half to return to Konoha, and now that Kakashi was starting to see where to look (underneath the underneath, had to dig _deep_ but the cracks were there), he could spot the fear and uncertainty writhing under Naruto's skin.

The twitching muscle right below the blond's right ear, the tense shoulders, the erect spine, the light sweat beading right below the bandage still hastily wrapped around his neck. Yes, Kakashi was pretty positive these were all indicators of being decidedly uncomfortable with the current situation and afraid of how said situation might degenerate.

Of course, he could also tell with reasonable assurance that Naruto was thoroughly displeased with him and his constant _staring_, hence the guilt he kept pushing away (he needed to _see_, needed to understand how everything came together to form _Naruto_ but _not_).

The worst part of all of this was that he hadn't even had any chance to do what he'd _planned_ to do with this extra time! Instead of taking apart everything he'd heard and seen and been a part of these last couple of days, and taking that information and applying it to the Naruto in front of him to try and pick apart even some of the mystery surrounding the youth, he'd _instead_ spent the time analyzing the anbu team that had apprehended them, and their treatment of the jinchuuriki. And had only come back with more questions!

There was no doubt that the three men (or women, it'd been a long time since he'd been in anbu and he really wasn't sure who had been assigned what mask anymore) knew about the Kyuubi – everyone did – but that couldn't be the cause for this antagonism. Naruto being a jinchuuriki was Konoha's worst kept secret, but the village had had seventeen _years_ to make peace with that knowledge. Yes, sometimes it hurt to look at Naruto and remember that horrible day (Minato had _died_, and you were too weak to _stop it_), but never enough to cause this sort of reaction.

Had Naruto recently pulled another one of his famous pranks on anbu HQ? But no, Kakashi couldn't remember the last prank and anyways, being irritated at a genin for vandalism was one thing, but strongly enough to completely break mission protocol? Not likely.

And why wasn't Naruto _doing_ anything about it? Yes, the anbu had made it pretty clear they didn't want to hear a thing from the blond (actually seemed to be... making it some sort of game? Kakashi could just barely make out the hand signals Boar and Rat were using to communicate subtly; they were definitely talking about Naruto, but the jounin couldn't tell what they were saying), and the silver-haired man knew how intimidating the masked force of Konoha could be, especially to a ninja barely into his career (the knifes to the throat and creative threats definitely weren't helping), but this was _Naruto_.

When had upsetting people ever stopped him? Even when the person talking to him looked like they wanted to resort to physical harm, Naruto shared his opinions, and thoughts, and basically anything else he felt like talking about because he _would not be ignored_. So why was he now silently accepting this treatment? Going _out of_ his way to do whatever these anbu wanted?

Kakashi froze, one foot in the air, then hurriedly continued walking before anyone could comment. He'd been looking at this all _wrong_. From the very beginning, when he'd seen the scars on Naruto's arms and watched the teen get twitchier and twitchier, he'd been trying to find what was _wrong_, why the blond wasn't acting _right_, but what if -

He was broken from his thoughts when he saw Boar once again reach back and smack Naruto across the face, watched the blond's head fly to the side at the force of the blow, forgot his entire train of thought as he watched blood arc through the air and land on the ground in front of him, the teen's temple cut open and bleeding profusely as all head wounds were wont to do. He hadn't seen what Naruto had, apparently, done to warrant the attack this time, and Boar made no mention, just turned back around once he was finished and continued walking.

And Naruto... Naruto just lowered his head to hide under his fringe, didn't make a single noise of complaint. Kakashi's visible eye narrowed plainly. He had to do something; his student wouldn't survive the trip, at this rate.

"Anbu-san," he started casually, blatantly ignoring Boar and consequently the leader of this three man cell (knew they wouldn't do anything about the faux pas, because even if he wasn't anbu anymore Kakashi was _legendary_) to turn around to Fox, and smiled pleasantly under his mask as he held up his shackled wrists. "I was just wondering, if we agreed to come willingly, could we not remove the inhibiting cuffs? We _are_ still technically Konoha nin and I'd like to get back to the village as soon as possible; my student here needs medical attention." He didn't miss the sudden drop of Naruto's shoulders, but couldn't place what emotion had caused the movement and didn't have time to work out the answer.

Instead, he continued smiling at Fox, even when the man glanced obviously at Boar, unsure what to do. Ah. Fox was much easier to read then Naruto (and he never thought he'd think _that, _that he could more easily read an anbu operative than his seventeen year old _student_)_,_ and the man was obviously young enough to come from a generation that only knew him as _Copy-Cat Kakashi_, the man with a thousand jutsu, if the way his hands were hovering around the jounin's shackles, even without his commanding officer's confirmation was anything to go by. Good. Kakashi could work with this.

"Fox-san?" he asked, still keeping that genial tone even if he wanted to stab the man for spending five hours blatantly attacking his student. "Do you really think there's any reason to contain us? There _are_ three of you, and we're willing to come quietly." Oops, that seemed to be the wrong thing to say. It was immediately obvious, even with the mask, how Fox and the other two anbu were suddenly focusing on Naruto, who in turn was trying to look even _smaller_, if that was possible.

"_You_, we can release, but _he_," here, Fox motioned to the blond with a negligent hand, "we have strict orders to keep as... secure, as possible." Kakashi didn't like the hesitation there, didn't know how much he believed about _orders,_ but wasn't sure how to bring it up without making their situation worse.

He'd focus on getting Naruto back _alive_, first. Then he'd bring up these three anbu to the Hokage (and if that crazy old man had _authorized_ this kind of treatment of Naruto, he and Kakashi would be having _words_).

So he hummed, and shrugged, and held his arms out towards Fox. "Makes sense. Wanna un-cuff me?" he'd had to work harder than he had in a long time to keep his voice friendly and open, but assassination and infiltration were his speciality, he _knew_ how to hide his emotions, how to fake it and seem convincing.

He almost regretted it when he saw Naruto wilt from the corner of his eye, shoulders drooping and head bowing low (felt _bad, _of course, but he'd rather Minato's son _alive_ and _sad, _then _dead_ and _happy_), and _did_ when the atmosphere of the group relaxed, turned from tense and wary to friendly and open, and Boar laughed as he turned and thwacked the back of his hand against the blond's shoulder, hard enough that the teen staggered to the side, and said, "Ha! Even your sensei doesn't like you!" And Naruto _didn't say anything_.

But the jinchuuriki's safety was still priority over hurt feelings, so even though he was feeling that darkdirty_wrong_ from Naruto again he just shrugged, and rubbed his now free wrists to promote blood flow, and said "Well now, I wouldn't say _that_." in the same tone he always used when talking about Naruto, the one that said _"this kid is an idiot"_ and _"I don't want to deal with him"_ regardless of what was _actually_ spoken, and firmly ignored the thick coat of guilt in the back of his throat.

Fox laughed along with Boar as he stepped up beside Kakashi, packing the chakra inhibiting cuffs in a sealing scroll, but didn't say anything. Rat continued walking at the front of the group – a new recruit, if his serious demeanour was anything to go by – barely seeming to pay attention to the conversation other than a glance back every now and then. Boar was once again facing forwards, arms swinging easily by his side, although the kunai poking blatantly from his pouch, handle at the ideal angle for quick draw, and the way his hand brushed across it every few swings gave Kakashi the feeling that, instead of keeping an eye on the surroundings, Boar was a little too busy continuing to torment Naruto, and the jounin had to glance away before he said or did something that would ruin everything.

"So, now that you have an extra pair of hands, one that isn't responsible for any position in the team, what say we take to the trees and speed this trip up a little? I can't imagine any of you actually _want_ to spend a week and a half walking back." he made sure he'd come across as non-chalant, with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, would've pulled out Icha Icha to complete the look if he didn't know the anbu wouldn't appreciate it.

Rat glanced back at him sharply, but as was quickly becoming the norm didn't say anything, and turned back a moment later. Boar and Fox, however, seemed to eye him for a moment before Fox said, somewhat hesitantly, "Are you saying... you'd be willing to carry _him_?" Again, he waved at Naruto. What was it about that gesture that set Kakashi's teeth on edge?

"Well, yeah. On a straight shot like this, at anbu speed, we could be back in the village by tomorrow evening. I'm willing to shoulder the extra weight for that." it pained him, but he made sure to add nuances into his words, ones blatant enough that _chuunin_ probably could have picked up on it, that said exactly what the anbu seemed to be expecting people to say in regards to Naruto; things like _irritating_ and _unpleasant_ and _unnecessary_. Fox picked up on it easily enough, at least, as he shrugged and turned to Boar.

The masked man seemed to study him for a moment more, then nodded decisively. Kakashi tried hard not to sag in relief. One night and one day keeping watch, that the jounin could do. But a week and a half? There was no way he could keep an eye on Naruto that entire time, and he was worried about what could happen without him there as an unaffiliated third party. These men had been getting increasingly violent over the last couple hours, and if they were already drawing blood on the first day...

Of course, now he'd have to worry about what the three men would do when they considered him on _their_ side, but he'd be the one carrying the blond, so there was no danger during the day, and he could always think of something if they tried anything when they broke for camp. Another night or two with no sleep wouldn't kill him.

"We'll break for five, then continue in the trees." Boar, Rat and Fox immediately sat at the base of different trees, reaching in their pouches and each pulling out a scroll that released fresh water and travel rations. Kakashi had a feeling they were only stopping because of him (he'd say and Naruto, but he highly doubted they cared about _his_ comfort), because he wasn't anbu anymore and even if he was a _legend _they couldn't be sure how much stamina he had and how long he'd been going before this, but didn't complain when Fox tossed a bottle of water and a protein bar at him.

He turned, dinner in hand, towards his student, who had stopped when everyone else had, but otherwise hadn't moved (which was _weird_, not _normal_) and was still giving off those darkdirty_wrong_ vibes that put every nerve in Kakashi's body on edge.

He knew he had to stay on the good side of their anbu guards, and at the moment the only sure-fire way of doing that was through a blatant dislike of Naruto, but he couldn't, _couldn't_ leave his student just standing there, not when something was back to being horribly wrong and he knew without a doubt that this time it _was_ his fault, so he easily stepped over to get the blond's attention.

And had to hide his grimace at the way Naruto flinched away from his reaching hand, and even after he calmed would _not_ look up at the jounin. Well, he definitely deserved that.

"Naruto-kun," he said instead, and motioned for the teen to follow him as he moved towards the base of a tree far enough away (still in view of the guards, not running, still _willing_ so don't come investigate) from the anbu that they could talk without being overheard. Of course, Naruto would have to be careful with what he said, since the three men could very easily read his lips, but Kakashi had his mask so he could say what needed to be said, hopefully without any of them being the wiser.

He sat against the base of the tree, and motioned again for the jinchuuriki to sit in front of him. Which the blond did, obediently (Kakashi tried to ignore how uncomfortable it made him that Naruto _didn't_ argue back), and then accepted half of the ration bar the silver-haired man held out. Kakashi placed the water bottle very clearly between the both of them, then leaned back and turned his gaze back to their three new captors.

"I need you to listen very carefully to me, Naruto-kun, and not speak _at all_ unless whatever you're going to say won't alert the anbu to anything suspicious, okay?" Kakashi made sure to keep his voice low, and although he wasn't looking at the blond he was definitely paying attention to him, and it took so long for Naruto to respond the jounin thought he might not have been heard, but then the jinchuuriki nodded, just slightly, just enough for Kakashi to pick up on it.

The older man smiled, and pretended to look down and fiddle with his half of the ration bar even though he was still focused very clearly on the three anbu and what they were doing (they'd looked at him and Naruto a few times, but seemed content to leave them to it at the moment), and leaned farther back against the tree.

"We don't have much time, but I need you to know, to really _understand_ that for the next couple days I'm going to be saying things that might come across as hurtful, that might seem really terrible, and _they will not be true_." what he really wanted to talk about was _why_ these men disliked the teen so much, but Naruto wouldn't have been able to answer sufficiently anyways and besides, that darkdirty_wrong_ feeling had only started after Kakashi had very clearly sided with their captives, rather than Naruto, and if an apology and an assurance that that was very much _not true_ (because really, even if the blond got on Kakashi's nerves and made his heart ache because Minato's _son_, he was still a team-mate and Kakashi took teamwork very seriously) would make that horrible _wrongness _go away then, well, the jounin had no problem ignoring how uncomfortable this conversation would make him.

So instead he glanced up, noticed Naruto's eyes wide and on him and sharpened his gaze for a moment to get his point across before looking over at the three anbu resting again.

"These men, for some reason," he continued, moving his lips as little as possible, "severely dislike you, and have no problem showing it. Which means spending an entire week and a half with them is unacceptable. I had hoped I could convince them to un-cuff _both_ of us, but that doesn't seem likely, so I had to make sure they trusted _me _at least, so that I could limit your interactions with them. That means I had to use the one thing I _knew_ they all felt similarly about – you.

"Because of that I am going to have to continue agreeing with them, at least enough that they don't think to question me. And that means I am going to have to say things that come off as cruel. Trust me when I tell you I _do not_ mean them, and that I _will not_ physically harm you. Ever. I won't be able to stop the verbal abuse, but the entire reason I'm doing this is to get you out of their reach. I need you to -" he stopped, suddenly, as he noticed the three anbu packing away their meagre dinner and getting ready to leave, and stood up himself.

He shot another quick glance at Naruto, and noticed the teen was back to staring at the ground, although his shoulders weren't as tense and that darkdirty_wrong_ was muted again, barely there. Kakashi nodded, went to pat the blond on the shoulder then remembered Naruto's reaction the _last_ couple times the jounin went to touch him, and pulled his hand away. Packed his uneaten half of the ration bar (he could eat it later, while they were moving if he had to) into a spare pocket (shot another glance at Naruto, watched the teen shove his own un-eaten half into a pocket, before any of the anbu could notice, and felt a sharp sting of pride), and kicked the un-touched water bottle into his hands.

"You might want to consider drinking something, if you want don't want to die from blood loss." he made sure his tone was once again distant, and cool and little condescending because Rat had come closer, was obviously trying to be subtle but Kakashi had been an anbu captain before Rat had likely graduated from the academy, but the silver-haired man _was_ worried about Naruto, because that gash on his temple was still bleeding sluggishly and the blood had dripped down, stained the bandage on his neck even more than it already was, and the collar of his jacket was officially ruined and even that blond hair was turning matted and sticky with the liquid. So he held the water bottle out, made sure it looked like the last thing he wanted to do.

Naruto flinched again, but his shoulders stayed loose and he reached out with both hands to grab the water bottle, broke open the seal and took a few quick swallows before re-capping the bottle and handing it back to Kakashi. The jounin took it and immediately attached it to a loop in his belt, wasn't willing to pass the water back when all his other equipment had been taken and he was – not helpless – but definitely at a disadvantage. Carrying emergency supplies (_yeah, one water bottle and half a ration bar_, his mind whispered dryly) made him feel better.

Nodding to himself, the older man turned to Rat, raised an eyebrow (because _really_, that _stealth_) and nodded up towards the swinging branches above them in a silent question. Rat nodded, stared, then turned and jumped into the foliage.

Kakashi held back a sigh, turned his back to Naruto, then knelt down. "I don't want to deal with the scratches on your back breaking open, so you'll have to ride on my back." He wanted to say _this'll be most comfortable_ and _I don't want to hurt you more_ but, well.

"Yes, Kaka-sensei." it still surprised the jounin not to hear Naruto yell out his affirmation, but he firmly reminded himself about the situation they were in, and the mask he'd seen the edges of and maybe that sunny personality _was_ a part of the charade but even if it wasn't the older man really needed to stop being surprised right now because, if his instincts were correct staying with these men for any period of time was like signing Naruto's _death warrant_, so worrying about a personality glitch or whatever was kind of ridiculous.

And to think, none of this would be happening if he had just kept his mouth shut (_lie_, his mind whispered, _they'd be doing this no matter what _and _you just sped up the process_).

Kakashi tilted his head back when Naruto's arms came over it, letting the locked appendages slide passed his face to rest comfortably at the base of his neck, then reached down and wrapped an arm around each of the blond's thighs, and tugged him up even as the jounin stood. He didn't wait for Naruto to get comfortable, acted like he didn't particularly care because Fox had just come up beside him now, so Kakashi just nodded at the anbu, smirked visibly under mask, and leaped up into the trees.

* * *

><p>Naruto tucked his face a little farther into Kakashi's neck, felt weak and childish and selfish, but couldn't stop himself from taking these small comforts from an Important Person while he could, especially when Kakashi subtly nudged him with a cloth-covered chin (a small part of him was crying with delight, because <em>see, they do care! <em>But the rational side of him said that the jounin was only doing it to remind the blond of the _game_, the _story_ they were writing that he. Was. Not. Thinking. About because the way Kakashi had started acting earlier had cracked something inside of him, and that something still hadn't scabbed over, was still spewing dark horrible things into his chest and. And -).

They'd been travelling for yet another several hours, the jinchuuriki wasn't quite sure how long, only that the sun had gone down awhile ago and the stars were starting to twinkle in the sky. Boar (Naruto _really_ hadn't wanted to get caught looking, had to bite his cheek hard several times to stop himself from whining in fear and ended up biting through skin, choking quietly on blood but several quick glances had garnered that yes, that was definitely a Boar mask) had suggested stopping right as the sun was fading away, but Kakashi had somehow managed to convince them to keep going, had said if they ran through the night they could be back by early morning, and the teen wasn't sure _how_ his sensei had convinced them but he was _so thankful_ because Rat had started circling closer to them as the sun had started to set and Naruto had gotten those _feelings_ that said Rat wasn't planning on just hitting him, had wanted to do something _worse_ and it had made the blond's heart race and sore throat thicken with terror.

A couple of times (when Kakashi had slipped him half of that ration bar, or the bottle of water; when Kakashi had cut short growing ridicule; when Kakashi had gotten him away from Rat and his reaching fingers) Naruto had managed to calm down enough (_think through the fog need to focusfocusfocus_) to realize that he was going into shock.

It had happened before, usually when people got a little too worked up at the Kyuubi festival and Naruto spent several days being randomly beaten and attacked, constantly on edge and in pain, stressed out and scared and just too much emotion all the time (need to _stopstopstop_ get it out _getitout_) but this felt different. Like something had snapped, or cracked, or _shifted_. Thinks it might have something to do with the head wound.

Mostly, though, Naruto was numb, like what made him _him _was trapped behind a wall and the thing piloting his body wastoo steeped in terror and _badthoughts _and painpain_pain_ to really notice anything, spent the trip panting shallowly into his sensei's neck, whispered _"Kaka-sensei"_ when the terror got too bad or one of the anbu (_bad_, they want to _hurt_ their on mission _council's making them_ doesn't mean they don't want to _badbadbad _get_away_) got too close, knew he was making the older man's job harder but _couldn't stop_, felt like something deep and dark and horrifying was right behind him, breathing down his collar so he hid behind the wall, let whatever was controlling him tighten his arms around his sensei's neck and _hold on_ because (_sensei will protect us. He's an Important Person and even though you don't deserve it painpain_pain_ he'll make sure we get back alive because he's _good).

Naruto lost another several hours trapped in his own head, watched the world come in and out of focus randomly like he'd been drugged, and tried very hard to stay quiet (don't let them hear you _they'll hurt us_ gottabe_quiet_). If he'd had the energy for anything other than terror and numbness and all around badbad_bad_ he would have raged, because every other time he'd fallen apart like this he'd been in the safety of his room, or in a dark abandoned alleyway, not stuck to his sensei's back surrounded by _enemybadscared, _but as it stood it took every last effort to reach beyond the wall and force himself quiet (like _prey_), and trust Kaka-sensei to keep him safe.

So it was as the moon reached the highest point in the sky, and started to once again make it's decent, and the group stopped for a short break to rest and refuel, and Kakashi went to lower him to the ground, Naruto couldn't stop himself from clenching his thighs, tightening his grip and whining quietly. He _couldn't_ let go, had to stay _close_ because there was no way he could pretend everything was fine and the anbu would _notice_ and he was already making Kaka-sensei's job hard enough, didn't think the older man could stop their _guardsenemybad_ if Naruto was unable to even speak properly (maybe he'd join them, you heard what he said he says he's protecting you but his _acting_ sounds a whole lot like _normal _gottastay_close_ hide away from _everyone_).

"Naruto-kun?" The word was whispered, and it meant their anbu guard was far enough away Kakashi felt safe enough talking, but the blond couldn't force the words out, couldn't reach passed the wall and make sense of the mess in his head so he whined again, and tried to control the trembling in his limbs, didn't think he did a good job because suddenly the jounin's mouth was right by his ear, and Kakashi was urgently whispering "Naruto, _Naruto_ you need to keep _quiet_, okay? Heavy breathing is fine, but they _can't _see you crying and shaking, or I won't be able to stop them. Pretend you're asleep, or something, but keep _still._"

And the jinchuuriki wanted to cry again when his first thought was _will he really stop them _and _he'll probably join in everyone else does_ because Kakashi was one of his _precious people_, how could he think such terrible thoughts? So even though he was tired, and stretched thin and _broken_ Naruto forced himself passed that thick wall in his head that kept all the terrorpain_fear_ out by keeping him locked _in_ and forced his body to comply, forced his muscles to relax and his limbs to go slack and then got a firm grip on the sounds coming from his throat and _stopped them_, because he _trusts_ Kaka-sensei and Kaka-sensei says _quiet_.

* * *

><p>He loses another couple hours, vaguely remembers <em>"the little demon causing you issues?" <em>or maybe _"...gotta keep him weak."_ and a sharp pain across his back, or was it his neck? And panics for a second because _they always go for the neck_ always aiming to _kill_ but then he remembers he's with sensei and anyways, he feels surprisingly weightless and can't see any of the anbu through his foggy gaze, so he slips back into darkness.

* * *

><p>It's as the sun is starting to crest the horizon that Naruto thinks <em>Konoha<em> and _mask_ and _lies_ and flees even further behind the wall because he can't do it, can't go back he _broke his promise_ Sakura's gonna hate him _not more than he hates himself_ she's gonna yell and hit him _she's gonna break him_ he can't go back _he can't_.

He hides in the dark and ignores the way his body falls apart.

* * *

><p>He comes to his senses as he sees the intricate gates of Konoha far off in the distance, maybe another hour's journey, and realizes returning like <em>this<em> is asking for a death sentence or a padded room or a public execution. Starts smashing at the wall around him, watches it crack and finally fall apart and almost breaks (can't break any more _you're already broken_) as the terrorfear_pain_ washes over him again, wants to run _hide_ away because nothing can be worth this, nothing -

Thinks of Sakura-chan, and Sasuke-teme, and Kaka-sensei, and even Jiji and forces all that badness back into it's corners, promises it _later_ and _alone_ and _time_, then shoves every other negative, or dark, or horrible thought deep deep deep and pretends they never existed.

His body aches like he's been convulsing (but he _hasn't_, because Kaka-sensei said _don't_ so he _didn't_), and his head feels fuzzy and light like only blood-loss can cause, which is strange because the wound in his temple stopped bleeding hours ago but there's a sharp, burning pain spread across his shoulder blades that wasn't there the last time he was cognizant, remembers _"...gotta keep him weak."_ again and decides he doesn't want to know.

He can see the gates now, much closer and knows they'll cross them in less than ten minutes, and forces his breathing into something more regular as he tucks himself closer to Kakashi's ear.

"Kaka-sensei," he whispers, sees all three anbu in front of them but doesn't wanna take any risks. He feels the jounin tense underneath him, knows he's listening so continues, "Gotta put me down. If you carry me into the village... bad things'll happen." he hates admitting even that, doesn't want anybody to know _ever_ what happens behind the village walls, but his comfort and safety aren't as important as making sure the villagers don't kill his sensei, and they _will_, if they see him carrying the demon brat.

Kakashi cocks his head, and Naruto pushes his knees into the man's ribs. "M'serious, Sensei, _trust me_, they'll _kill you_." the older man actually stops running at this, and the blond can feel the muscles beneath him trembling, then the jounin is calling out to the three anbu, and he sounds normal, even as his body shakes.

"So, I may be willing to carry _Naruto-kun_ here in order to speed up our trip, but I'm really not interested in extending that privilege through the village itself. I figure we're close enough the inhibitor cuffs won't effect him... _too_ permanently if he runs with us." Apparently Kakashi bonded with these three last night, while Naruto was (terrorpain_fear_ _don'tthinkaboutit_) because they don't even question him, just snort out various laughs and continue on.

It takes quick work to free himself from the jounin once Kakashi kneels down, and if every muscle in his body cramps at moving after staying so long in the same position well, that's nobody's business but his because he _will not_ be the cause for Kaka-sensei getting hurt.

He follows along being the silver-haired man, knows his sensei is going slower for his benefit, but he knows now what Kakashi meant by _effecting _him, because pushing chakra to his feet to augment his speed is like feeding razorblades into his bloodstream, and he bites his lip so hard within the first minute of travel that he busts through the skin, clacks his teeth together where they meet in the middle and tries not to be sick as blood gushes down his throat.

The pain helps, though, takes his attention away from _dying_, burning from the inside out there's _fire under his skin_, let's him focus on the warm slickness of the blood leaking down his chin and for the first time wonders what he looks like, knows it's frightening and worries that his usual smile won't work for this.

But he doesn't have any time to think up an alternative, because they're at the gates, so he pastes the smile on, makes it less of a grin and more of a slight curve, squints his eyes and _makes_ his shoulders relax (the sharp pain is _worse_, now, feels like something thick and heavy is embedded in his skin), and they're through the gates and beside the gate guards.

The three anbu that caught Kakashi and him are right back with them, and their not crowding his sensei their crowding _him_, herding him into the city proper and strutting him through the village as Kakashi follows along sedately, ignoring any cries of attention from passerby as they casually march him towards the Hokage's Tower.

Naruto glances up through his fringe, takes in the tall, intimidating building, and really hopes the council hasn't woken up yet.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** Question! When I went back and read this, Naruto's weird out-of-body experience seemed a little sudden to me, when during his previous POV he was pretty lucid. Does this seem weird to you guys? I decided to depict it from Kakashi's POV, so a lot of the thought/nuance you'd get to help you understand is missing, but I really wanted to give you guys a better chance to see how my Kakashi thinks through things, especially during stressful situations. Thoughts?

Vaniixx


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